Thursday, July 13, 2006

Rank & Bile Has Been Reduced!

Inspired by the recent dramatic weight loss of Janet Jackson and not wishing to stoop to the levels of mad old Mariah Scarey, who recently appeared in public with a perfect six pack drawn onto her stomach! I have just returned from the clinic after a brush with the surgeon's vacuum!

Yes Rank & Bile has been reduced!

Lordy! but you were so slim and gorgeous before I hear you cry? Ok maybe not!

Well needs must when your hurtling towards 40 and reachingMonserrat Caballe proportions and as Joan Rivers says " I dont exercise. If God had meant me to bend over he'd have put diamonds on the floor" and having exhausted every fad diet known to man, with the exception of the Kate Moss Class A plan, it only left one option. Hippo Suction!

And here is the offending fat to prove it - 2 litres of the darn stuff to be precise! (Those of a nervous disposition should look away now if they ever want to be able to drink a smoothie again!)

A word of caution dear readers:
Firstly, when they tell you the pain is minimal, its a lie! I feel like I've been kicked by a horse! The mystery of Shergar is finally solved, He's alive and well and working in a clinic in Brussels! Only one of Naomi Campbell's maids could be more bruised and battered!
Secondly, the words "you may experience some wound leakage" are a severe understatement. Despite my friend Mike's best efforts, using all available towels. I left a hotel room in Brussels looking like the Texas Chainsaw Massacre. We left the hotel with the screams of an unsuspecting maid ringing in our ears.

So was it worth it ? I'll let you know in 4 weeks when the swelling has subsided and I can take of the Rocky Horror girdle I have to wear till then!

Looking Fabulous is never easy!

More Rank & Bile


Tanginika-Simone said...

I want to know how you do in a few weeks. Hope you are feeling better by now. I know, those medical warnings always tend to be huge understatements (or lies).

China Blue said...

Wow - keep us updated.

That picture of the fat has put me off the ketchup-smothered McMuffin I was going to eat this morning, and eating in general - so hopefully this means I won't have to go for lipo myself after all!

Hope the end result is what you've hoped for. x

Glyn said...

Wow! are you really pushing 40!

Well I hope your recover well! Are they going to remove the excess skin as well?

Gareth said...

I didn't realise that they give you your fat in a tube to take home with you, what are you going to do with it? Some suggestions I just thought of; you could make it in to a big candle and ad vanilla extract to make it smell nice or donate it to the local soup kitchen and pass it off as lard. Cover yourself in it and swim the English Channel; use it as a years supply of hair wax or better still tube it up and use it as lube. My favourite idea is for you to use it to make little models of yourself and give them out to friends and family.

simon said...

Ewwww that looks nasty. To think you been carrying that round inside you?
Simple Simon

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