Sunday, December 31, 2006

Rank & Bile At The Movies - Shortbus

John Cameron Mitchell's follow-up to his highly acclaimed debut, "Hedwig and the Angry Inch," is an entertaining dissection of the sexual mores of New York's hip crowd.

Whilst the film has gained notoriety as the most sexually explicit film put on general release, the sex aside, there is still an engaging story told through likeable characters.

The cast who are pretty much all newcomers (no pun intended!) improvised much of the dialogue, which gives it a realistic feel and despite the main character, James (Paul Dawson), plotting his suicide for most of the film, this is essentially a feel good movie that leaves you with happy endings all round.

Watch out for the fabulous Justin Bond (aka Kiki of Kiki and Herb fame) who only just avoids stealing the whole film with a bravura performance as himself.

Highly recommended but not one for the kids!

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Mary kate Olsen Skinnier Than Nicole Richie - Yikes!

Stand aside Nicole Richie there is a new skinny bitch in town and she's even more emaciated than you!

Yes Mary Kate Olsen is now a reported 80lbs making Nicole at 85lbs look almost obese! Mary kate whos legs look like they may snap at any moment apparently has only 2" ankles...ewww!

The scary thing is even karen Carpenter only got as low as 83lbs before her untimely death from Anorexia.

For Gods sake eat something bitches!

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Michael Jackson Swaps Kiddies For Corpses

It seems Michael Jackson has moved from Kiddies to Corpses .

Whacko Jacko was caught on camera practically devouring the copse of the late Godfather of Soul, James brown as he lay in state at New York's Apollo Theatre.

Well good news for Jacko I guess is that dead men, unlike children, tell no tales!

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The Rank & Bile Celebrity Worst Of 2006 Awards

Worst Celebrity Bandwagon

Orphans were the hot new accessory in 2006. Following legal adoptions by Meg Ryan, Sharon Stone and Ewan McGregor, Her Madgesty followed suit with her controversial adoption of a Malawian youngster as per usual once Madge did it the press went mad and a craze was born. Within a short space of time, practically every celebrity known to man, claimed they were going to do the same, with Britney, Angelina and Brad, Tyra Banks, Jessica Simpson, Renee Zellweger, Penelope Cruz and even Clay Aiken all jumping on the bandwagon and those that didn’t consider adopting made damn sure they had a least one photo- op with orphans in 2006!

Children are not just for publicity purposes enough already!

Worst Celebrity Fashion Trend

Beaver was definitely the new black for 2006 as countless female stars went commando and shocked the Paparazzi and fans alike. Lindsay Lohan was the first as she flashed her way through Europe and soon everyone from Paris, Pink and Courtney Love followed suit but the Queen of the Cooters was undoubtedly Britney Spears who paraded her tired old bald pussy all over Hollywood, in fact, for a while back then in December it seemed to be a daily and horrific occurrence.

Lordy! Girls do us all a favour in 2007 and get some bloody panties and learn to exit a car gracefully!

Worst Celebrity Substance Addiction

Well it’s been quite a year for Celebrities and their substances Fergie came clean about a crystal meth addiction whilst Nicole Richie did not! Pete Doherty and kate Moss became the Poster children for Class A. Paris was photographed with weed and George Michael lit up a spliff on TV. Keith Urban hit rehab for Cocaine and alcohol problems and Lindsay Lohan admitted in dabbling in drugs and being an alcoholic and Mel Gibson blamed his racism on alcohol and hit re hab in supposed remorse.

But worse than all of these was the shocking revelation in February that Whitney Houston had become a toothless old crack whore. The only good thing is that Whitney can also be voted Comeback of the year as well; the diva ended the year looking great, free of crack and back in the studio. At least there was one celebrity happy ending in 2006.

Worst Celebrity Break Up

2006 was quite a year for celebrity splits! Whitney finally dumped Bobby as well as the crack. David Gest and Liza Minnelli’s divorce proceedings have proved longer lasting than their marriage, as suit and counter suit flew back and forth with Liza accusing David of poisoning her and David accusing Liza of giving him herpes! Jennifer Anniston went into denial claiming her and Vince were still together for a good two months after their split and Pamela Anderson and Kid Rock’s marriage lasted all of six weeks! Meanwhile in the UK the McCartneys employed Charles and Diana’s divorce lawyers and battle lines were drawn with Heather becoming so hated she received death threats.

But beating off all rivals was the split between Britney and K Fed and Britney’s classy dumping of K Fed by text and on national TV, has to be the celebrity split of the year!

Worst Dressed Celebrity

Well, it was quite a year for frock horrors in 2006 Britney’s necklines plunged and her skirts rose alarmingly and pretty much all of it made her look like a whitetrash ho. Sharon stone continued to frighten small children and fashionistas with her appalling dress sense. Following her lypo Janet (wardrobe malfunction) Jackson got her new navel out at the drop of a hat and Posh’s emaciated frame was engulfed by ever more hideous outfits. Worst stylist of the year Rachel ZoĆ« managed to diet/deal her clients to such low weights that most of them were swamped by their size zero clothes

But without a doubt the worst dressed celebrity of 2006 was Maria Scarey who squeezed her ever increasing frame into a series of hideous lycra numbers and cropped tops that would have looked better on a $5 hooker. Mariah holds the dubious honour of not having been seen in one decent outfit for the whole of 2006, no mean feat when you have a stylist and a whole hunk of cash to spend!

Worst Celebrity Driver

2006 was definitely the year of the DUI. Paris was arrested for driving drunk so was Gus Van Saint and Britney was seen drink driving but not caught as well as being accused of endangering her baby in her car. A drunken Mel Gibson was arrested for driving while drunk and ranted racist abuse that nearly killed his career and Nicole Richie got arrested for driving under the influence of prescription drugs as did Mike Tyson who was under the influence of drink and cocaine.

But the worst driver award is a tie between George Michael who repeatedly fell asleep at the wheel of his car whilst stoned or in a K Hole and Lindsay Lohan who crashed cars all over Hollywood and in London in fact Lindsay had so many car crashes in 2006 that Rank & Bile lost count. For god’s sake guys get yourselves drivers in 2007!

Well that was our votes for 2006 worst celebrity trends. Heres looking forward to a whole new batch of celebrity madness in 2007

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Eva Longoria & Two Other Bitches Open The Harrods Sale

The annual retail fest that is the Harrods Sale opened this week and in time honoured tradition owner Mohamed Al fayed bussed in a C List US Celebrity to open the proceedings!

This year it was the turn of desperate housewives "star" Eva Longoria who braved the icy weather In London arriving in an open horse drawn carriage to to do the honours. She even manged to smile for the photographers despite having two rabid looking dogs thrust upon her!

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Britney Wants Another Baby To Abandon!

Please God no! Britney Spears the Mommie Dearest of Pop is desperate to do a Madge and adopt an orphan. Princess Whitetrash has apparently fallen in love with a four-year-old boy called Wang, from Bali, who lost his entire family in the 2004 Tsunami tragedy, after reading about his plight. Looks like yet another case of a celebrity picking a kid out of a catalogue like they were choosing a handbag!

A source said: "She instantly wanted to help him and is sponsoring him until she can find out more. And she has even written to officials seeking advice. Hmm and the advice those officials should give is….You can’t even look after the poor kids you’ve got there’s no way we are going to let you have another one! But celebrity and money talk. So lets just hope she gets bored with the idea before it can be processed, still on the plus side next time she goes out partying every night, leaving the kids at home there’ll be 3 of them to keep each other company, while Mummy is out getting drunk and flashing her beaver all over town!

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Mike Tyson Joins The George Michael Driving Academy

Mike Tyson was arrested on suspicion of driving under the influence of drink and cocaine. Mike was stopped in Scottsdale, Arizona. He was leaving a club when his car almost hit a police car. Mike submitted himself to sobriety tests which he did not pass. He was arrested and booked, allegedly telling officers he is addicted to cocaine…Hmm smart move Mike.

Looks like Mike could be back in the slammer again in the near future!

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Car Crash of The Month - Jennifer Anniston

The January issue of US Magazine, revels the depth of Jennifer Aniston’s insanity and denial it seems the dreary and frighteningly clingy and needy, friends "actress", is still not over Brad Pitt or being dumped again by Vince Vaughn.

Close friends of the Friends “star” say that her actions are becoming frightening and recent episodes have included:

On the effect of seeing pictures of baby Shiloh:

"she collapses in a heap, clutching her womb like she's been stabbed if she so much as passes a baby stroller on the street."

On how she deals with it:
"throwing baby dolls into a bonfire on the beach behind her place in Malibu. It's creepy, but she says it makes her feel better for a few hours."

Hey, there's a bright side:
"At least she's stopped watching 'Mr. & Mrs. Smith' over and over again, for days at a time without eating or sleeping. That just wasn't healthy."

Jeez! Woman give it up! It’s been two years already, you got dumped now get over it! Brad has more than moved on, time for you to do the same you crazy loon!

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John Barrowman Gets Married - Damn! It should Have Been Me!

Former Hunk of the Month and Rank & Bile favourite, John Barrowman married his long term (16 years!) partner this week in a ceremony in Cardiff, where the hunky star is currently in pantomime and filming the next season of Torchwood. Congratulations to John and Scott Gill.

Speaking of his gay “marriage” to the BBC, Barrowman commented: "It feels great.....It's been a long wait but we legitimised our relationship to each other a long time ago when we signed our mortgages together and this is just something that forces people who don't want to recognise it that they have to."

Rank & Bile only just resisted the temptation to turn up and sing “It should have been me” during the ceremony!

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You Tube Favourite - Ethel Merman Tomorrow

You Tube is a bloggers dream especially when you can't be bothered to post much! There are some real gems on there so I thought I'd post some of my favourites each month.

This months favourite is the incomparable Ethel Merman butchering tomorrow from Annie! (also includes a pre surgery Michael Jackson in the same Sesame St episode!) Enjoy!

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Wednesday, December 27, 2006

Rank & Bile At The Movies - Pan's Labyrinth

Pans Labyrinth is a fairytale but most definitely not for children! It’s like the wizard of oz meets Rosemary’s Baby and whilst horror and fairytales may sound like a strange mix in the capable hands of director Guillermo del Toro it actually works.

The somewhat gruesome tail of renegades fighting in the Spanish civil war is the backdrop for the story of Orfelia (marvellously played by Ivana Baquero) a child torn between the brutal realities of the war which surrounds her and a fairytale world almost as brutal in the woods nearby.

Beautifully shot this dark and brooding tale grips you from the start and despite its orgy of violence is as uplifting as it is gory. Pans Labyrinth has been hailed as the best film of the year, whilst I wouldn’t go that far I would highly recommend it.

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R.I.P. James Brown

The Godfather of soul passed away on Christmas day after being admitted to hospital suffering from pneumonia he was 73.

His body will be returned Thursday to the site of his debut - the legendary Apollo Theater in Harlem - so “the public that saw and heard him leave a lasting impression on music can see him one last time”, the Rev. Al Sharpton said Today.

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Celebrities At Christmas - Rank & Bile Round Up

Whilst most of us spent our Christmas partying & over eating or slumped in front of the TV. Rank & bile looks at how some of our fave celebs spent their festive season.

Britney spent the holiday season lamenting the loss of yet another publicist, Sonia Muckle became the second to quit in just 3 months but then given The Trailer Trash Princess’s recent behaviour its hardly surprising! Oh well New Year new publicist!

Meanwhile in London Posh and her husband David Beckham along with their children spent a civilised Christmas at London Hotel Claridges. Where they stayed after a mammoth Christmas Eve shopping spree that almost emptied Old bond St.

In Barbados what on first glance appeared to be two beached whales actually turned out to be Simon Cowell and Michael Winner enjoying some Christmas sunshine. If his man boobs are anything to go by Simon appears to have celebrated his X Factor triumph with Leona Lewis by eating everything in sight!

Across the Atlantic, in far colder, Aspen, Mariah Carey continued to terrorise the locals with her fashion sense and appeared bundled up in some kind of wool Osama Bin Laden meets Barbarella outfit, as she trawled the shops of Aspen, presumably looking for something else hideous to wear!

The only good thing about this outfit was that we were spared the sight of Miss Scarey’s cellulite as it was encased in industrial strength lycra.

The holiday must have been especially uncomfortable for the Botox Bride, Nicole Kidman although hubby Keith Urban was released from re-hab in time for the holidays his mistress chose Christmas to reveal to the world her sordid affair with Urban and adding the icing on Nicole’s Christmas Cake, by also revealing her affair with Urban continued long after he took up with Nicole!

While Nicole’s marriage may well be un-ravelling Kate Moss if rumours are to be believed, spent her Christmas planning a wedding as friends hinted to the press she is finally going to tie the knot with long term boyfriend Pete Doherty this week, in London. Let’s just hope Pete manages to stay clean, sober and not get arrested in the next few days! Kate and Pete are staying tight lipped and trying to avoid the press.

Over in LA one person definitely NOT trying to avoid the press was Lindsay Lohan who somewhat dramatically let herself be photographed at the airport, wearing a hospital wristband, prompting rumours of another suicide/cutting episode over the holiday season.

In case nobody got the, I’m a mixed up suicidal celebrity vibe, she was giving off, Lohan carried with her a Marilyn Monroe DVD to ram the point home. This cry for help was about as subtle as a brick!

Then just to make us all feel really bad about over indulging and forgetting the true meaning of Christmas. Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie spent Christmas day giving out presents to orphaned, child, refugees in Costa Rica and meeting aid workers there as part of their goodwill work for UNICEF.

So how was your Christmas?

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Saturday, December 23, 2006

Rank & Bile Wish You All A Very Happy Christmas

Happy Holidays to all the Rank & Bile Readers. We will return after the holidays. In the meantime we leave you with this delightful Christmas ditty brought to you by The Wet spots!

Whitney Thinks Leona Has The X Factor Too

I’m not usually a fan of these reality/talent shows like Pop Idol and X Factor but even I have to admit this years British X Factor winner Leona Lewis has talent and it seems I’m not alone.
Diane warren has expressed an interest in working with her and Clive Davis the man who made Whitney Houston a star has offered Leona a $10m record deal!

It seems its not only Clive who’s a fan sources revealed Whitney herself placed a call to Leona before the final "Whitney thought Leona was amazing and wished her good luck," says the source. Praise indeed form one Diva to another.

Good for her it looks like this show has finally produced a real star!

See Leona in action below.

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Did Posh Treat Herself To New Boobs For Christmas?

The British press are speculating on Victoria Beckham’s breasts. Did Emaciated Spice treat herself to another boob job for Christmas?

Well it certainly looks like it as she emerged to go shopping this week with a chest that wouldn’t look out of place on Jordan!

Boob job or not judging by the pictures it was certainly cold that day, in fact if she’s not careful those nipples will have someone’s eye out!

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A Fat Ass Mariah Scarey Waddles Around Aspen

Mariah carey took herself to Aspen this week dressed in one of her usually tasteful outfits! Decked in leggings and shades (despite the fact it was dark!) she squeezed herself into a kind of black puffa jacket which made her look like a demented zeppelin and proceeded to try and manouvre herself through the snow wearing high heels and carrying a glass of champagne... unfortunately she didn't slip up! Shame, cos nothing would have made my Christmas, more than seeing Mariah go (fat) arse over tit!

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Wednesday, December 20, 2006

You Were Never Fuglier - Pierce Brosnan

Good heavens Pierce Brosnan is looking less oo7 these days and more 0070!

Pierce was said to have been disappointed at being dropped from the the James Bond movies after being told he was too old for the part.

Having seen the way he's ageing It's hardly a surprise! And these windswept pics of him in a rumpled shirt are certainly not the suave Bond like Pierce, we know and love, he looks like a Hawaiian wino!

Someone needs to get this man some Grecian 200 and quick!

P.S. Pierce a little bit of advice... stubble only looks good on a man before it goes grey!

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Rank & Bile At The Theatre - The John Barrowman Christmas Concert

A big thank you to Lulu! Who treated us both to tickets to John Barrowman’s Christmas concert this week, at the Royal Festival Hall. We were lucky to get tickets as it was sold out long ago but ever resourceful Lulu managed to bag us two return tickets in the front row no less!

The impossibly handsome Mr Barrowman delighted a packed hall with two hours of songs from musicals past and present and his favourite Christmas songs. He was joined on stage by two of the West End’s current shining stars Helen Dallimore (Glinda in Wicked) and Matt Rawle (Che in Evita) and accompanied by the BBC Concert Orchestra.

Despite having a somewhat Scrooge like attitude to the holiday season recently I was soon jolted out of my bah humbug mood and into the Christmas spirit as I sang along with the carols and listened to John Barrowman’s fabulous voice. Mr Barrowman can definitely sing… and act and is bloody good looking.... in fact he’s not far off perfect!

A fabulous festive evening one of the best shows I’ve seen this year. For those of you not lucky enough to have caught the show, the concert will be broadcast this Friday on BBC Radio2 at 7.30pm

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Nancy Dell’Olio Is A Delusional Drag Queen

In an Interview with First Magazine Nancy Dell’Olio former Queen of the Hags Wags claims Posh is too thin and as a role model should fatten up. Well no arguments there but then Delusional Dell’Olio went on to claim she is angry her age has been reported as 46.

"I do not know where this comes from. I'm not 46, I am 43. I'm fabulous anyway, I know I look 20 years younger than I am,"

I want the same mirror this mad cow uses! Cos from where we are standing honey you look like a fifty year old drag queen!

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Britney Spears Classy As Ever

Nice to see that Britney Spears is as classy as ever and setting a wonderful example to the younger members of her family.

Little Miss Trailer Trash decided to treat her 16yr old kid sister, Jamie Lynn Spears, to a day out in Hollywood.

So where did they go? Lunch at the Ivy? Clothes shopping? A day at the Spa?..............

No! Britney hauled her little sis off to a downtown tattoo parlour to get her inked!

Mmm classy Britney classy!

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Crazy Cruise To Serve Up Turkey?

Tom Crusie announced his lucrative new production deal with United Artists just a few months ago and the world wondered what masterpiece will Tom put into production first? Well… wonder no more!

In a surreal piece of type-casting Victoria Beckham is set to star in Tom Cruise’s new Scientology film as an alien bride! “The Thetan” is based on the bizarre sci-fi cult, which believes in alien life forms and it’s founder Ron L Hubbard’s sci- fi writings. Victoria is said to be “thrilled” about getting her big Hollywood break.

Hmm Tom before putting “The Thetan” into production, you might wanna think back to "Battlefield Earth" the last scientology flick that was so dire, it almost destroyed the career of fellow cult member John Travolta and while your at it you might want to rent a copy of spice world and check out your leading lady’s disastrous lack of acting abilities!

How appropriate for the holiday season as this one has turkey written all over it!

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R.I.P. - Joseph Barbera

Joseph Barbera, one half of the team behind such cartoon classics as The Flintstones, Yogi Bear, Scooby-Doo and Huckleberry Hound, has died, aged 95.

With William Hanna, Barbera founded Hanna-Barbera in the 1950s, after the pair had earlier worked on the Tom and Jerry cartoons at MGM studios. Their 17-year partnership on the Tom and Jerry series resulted in seven Academy Awards and 14 nominations in total.

"Joe will live on through his work," said Warner Brothers chairman and chief executive Barry Meyer.

"The characters he created with his late partner, William Hanna, are not only animated superstars but also a very beloved part of American pop culture," Mr Meyer said.

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Saturday, December 16, 2006

Is Nicole Richie Going Down?

Nicole Richie may be going down if she is convicted of driving under the influence.

Nicole who was charged for the offence on Monday has a previous DUI charge and California law states that a repeat offence carries the mandatory sentence of five consecutive days in county jail.

Nicole was first arrested for DUI in 2002. She told police she had eaten French fries and drunk a shot of vodka. She was also charged with possession of heroin in 2003 but had the charges dropped after completing her probation.

Looks like Nicole could be spending some time in the slammer this time. Luckily Nicole is now so thin she can probably just lip through the bars!

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Invasion Of The Hollywood Zombie Hands

Dorian Gray had a portrait in the attic that got older and uglier as he remained youthful and gorgeous, in Hollywood the stars carry their portraits with them on the end of their wrists!

Almost every single fresh faced Hollywood star has hands that even their grandmother would be ashamed of.

Yes the plague of Zombie hands has reached epic proportions in Tinstletown and it seems the younger and more line free their faces are the worse the hands get!

It used to be said that you could tell the real age of a woman by her hands but in Hollywood there are girls in their 20’s sporting hands that wouldn’t look out of place on the crypt keeper!

The Queen of the Zombie hands set is undoubtedly Nicole Richie who at 24 has the hands of an eighty yr old woman! But even A listers like Nicole Kidman and Madge have hands like claws and most of it’s down to excessive dieting.

The irony is these bitches spend a fortune on getting their faces line free but are willing to go around with hands like withered shovels. Lordy!

Get some collagen injected or buy some damn gloves! Better yet try eating something and putting some damn meat on your bony old claws.

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