Tuesday, November 28, 2006

Rounds Three And Four In Bobble Head War!

It seems the Nicole Richie Vs Rachel Zoe feud is still going strong! Following the last salvo from Rachel Zoe across Nicole Richie's bows . Miss Richie responded with the following blind item on her myspace page:

What 35 year old raisin face whispers her order of 3 peices of asparagus for dinner at Chateau everynight, and hides her deathly disorder by pointing the finger at me, and used her last paycheck I wrote her to pay for a publicist instead of a nutritionist? HINT: Her nickname is lettucecup...

Who knew Nicole had a sense of humour and such a bitchy streak? She just soared in our estimation!
Meanwhile over at camp Zoe there was a feeble attempt to rise above it with a somewhat turgid statement from Rachel to TMZ:

"There has been a lot of speculation as to the cause of my parting with client Nicole Richie. The tabloid reports have no merit. After trying to be a good friend to Nicole, we made a mutual decision to sever our working relationship. Changes are inevitable in any business relationship. I am very fortunate to have such a wonderful life, I have been married for 10 years and have been a stylist for more than 15 years and am lucky to work with such a diverse group of women of all shapes and sizes that inspire me everyday. I have nothing but love for Nicole and wish her only health and happiness."

You so know she doesn't mean a word of that! Oh goody this one looks set to run and run!

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Monday, November 27, 2006

Rachel Zoe Hell Hath No Fury Like A Stylist Scorned

Rachel Zoe may have been sacked by Nicole Richie as her dealer stylist but the bobble headed fashion maven is not taking it lying down.

Rachel was fuming when Nicole leaked news of her sacking to “Us Weekly” claiming she had ditched Rachel as she wanted to “surround herself with positive people and influences," and “didn't trust Rachel anymore."

Rachel has hit back with her own camp leaking to The NY Post’s Page Six the news that: "Rachel was acting as a concerned friend and voiced her concerns to Nicole about her lifestyle, and Nicole didn't want to hear it."

Hmm what can Rachel be insinuating? Over to you Miss Richie!

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Paris & Britney The Car Crash Continues

Britney and Paris are still joined at the hip it appears, with Britney staying over at Paris house and hitting the town with her almost nightly, on half dressed, drunken escapades and now it seems Britney is picking up some of Paris worst habits, as well as getting blind drunk and appearing in public half naked, she seems to have adopted Paris and Lindsay Ho Han’s habit of partying without panties as recent pictures from one of their nights out show.

(click here for uncensored version if you dare!)

As well as using Paris for publicity purposes (or is it the other way round?) Britney has now dragged poor little Sean Preston Federline, her one year old son, into the publicity fray with all three of them giving the publicity hungry paparazzi, perfect photo ops.

Hmm I’m actually starting to wonder if her ex husbands accusations don’t have a ring of truth about them and if she wasn’t actually better of with K Fed! Sort it out Britney!

There’s no point dumping one loser if you are going to go and take up with another one straight away!

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Poshes Pipe Cleaners Top Worst Legs poll

Victoria Beckham has been given top spot in a poll on celebrity legs and no it wasn't legs that look most likely to snap! In fact Posh was voted worst show biz legs in the poll by Lambrini.

Close behind Emaciated Spice at number two was fellow twig like celebrity Nicole Richie. The list also included her Madgesty and Terri Hatcher.

Seems the folks at Lambrini like a little more meat on the bone. Time to pile on a few pounds girls or at least do us all a favour and invest in some slacks!

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Saturday, November 25, 2006

You Tube Favourite - Ann Miller Commercial

You Tube is a bloggers dream especially when you can't be bothered to post much! There are some real gems on there so I thought I'd post my favourite each month. This months favourite is a clip of the fabulous Ann Miller in a commercial she did for Campbell's Soup in the 1970's and written and directed by Busby Berkley no less. Watch her tap up a storm without a single hair moving on her trademark coiffure!

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The Imelda Collection - We Love It

Last month in our post "Designer Dictator" we reported on the return of the irrepressible Imelda Marcos with her new jewelery collection named modestly, "The Imelda Collection"

Well Somebody decided to put up a website to help her flog her tat, check it out, camp doesn't even begin to describe it! Link: The Imelda Collection

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Paris Supporting Britney In Messy Divorce Saga - God Help Her

The love fest that is Britney and Paris shows no sign of ending any time soon, just lately the two have become as inseparable as Britney and her Marlboros but it seems to be having a terrible effect on Britney’s hair which is starting to look like a matted dog.

Meanwhile severe bed head may not be Britney’s only problem as her ex loser husband K Fed is causing trouble again. Britney may have sidestepped his sex tape threats by vowing to release the tape before he can but now the waste of space is threatening to tell all in a book.

K fed claims he has the dirt on Britney and will put it all on paper amongst the allegations he will allegedly reveal are that Britney is;

Bisexual and begged K fed for threesomes with other women.

Had numerous crushes on other women.

And also that the much reported mis haps with her son earlier this year are just the tip of the iceberg and that Britney is an unfit mother who often endangered the boy’s life.

As if that wasn’t enough it appears producers of Britain’s Celebrity Big Brother have approached him to appear in the next season which will give him the perfect platform to bash Princess Whitetrash from.

Looks like the McCartney’s have nothing on this pair! Talking of the McCartney divorce…..

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Hopalong McCartney Is Whining Again

Heather Hopalong McCartney has said she splitting from Paul has been a nightmare and the whole experience has been worse than losing her leg!

She also claims she’d rather lose the other leg than go through it all again. Hmmm I’m sure Paul would be happy to oblige! Let’s see her go running to the press with her lies and accusations then!

Memo to Heather: You should have thought of that before you started mud slinging you gold digging bitch!

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Screen Queen-Some of what I'm Watching This Month

The Island

Starring: Ewan McGregor, Scarlett Johansson
Michael Bay

What a load of tosh. I am amazed Scarlett Johanssen and Ewan Macgregor let themselves get anywhere near this appalling bit of sci fi nonsense. Once you got past the almost, clever twist and premise for the story, which was obvious long before the director gave the audience credit for. The whole thing just turned into a rather bad re-make of Logan’s Run. Although Organs Run might be more appropriate as the plot entailed Ewan and Scarlett as clones bred as organ donors for their rich doppelgangers only to escape from a lab and go in search of their “originals”. What is it with Hollywood films set in the future and this assumption that we will all be wearing white jump suits? I’m sorry white is not a good colour to pull off and is totally impractical whatever century you happen to have landed in!

Formulaic nonsense for boys, with chase scenes and lots of explosions….yawn!

Mistress Of Spices

Starring: Aishwarya Rai
Director: Gurinder Chadha

Why can’t someone give Ishwarya Rai a decent English Language part? The Queen of Hollywood’s follow up to the dreary Bride and Prejudice is an equally dull adaptation of Chitra Banerjee Divakaruni’s novel of the same name. The story about a San Franciscan shopkeeper who sells spices and uses their power to influence the lives of her customers with a somewhat predictable love story as its subplot.

Aishwaya is badly shot and totally wasted in the central role opposite a hopelessly mis-cast Dylan McDermott and whilst the book created an exotic world of mystery and dreams the film is a formulaic clunky love story.

For goodness sake when will Hollywood wake up to Rai’s potential apart from being one of the most beautiful women in the world she’ also an excellent actresses and is not likely to ever make it in Hollywood if continually cast in this kind of dirge. If she has any chance shell get back to Bollywood as soon as possible at least there, they know how to capitalise oh her talents and give her the kind of starring roles that she deserves.

That Man: Peter Berlin

Starring: Peter Berlin, Robert Boulanger
Director: Jim Tushinski

Fascinating documentary about iconic 70’s porn star photographer and model Peter Berlin who despite only having made 2/3 films managed to create a persona and image so strong that he remains a gay icon and symbol of the 70’s to this day. You may not know his name but the image he created is almost as recognisable as that of Warhol screen prints or studio 54 in defining the 1970’s and it’s influence can be seen in the work of people as diverse as Tom of Finland, John Paul Gaultier, Pierre et Gilles and The Village People. As well as interviews with contemporaries the documentary is built around extensive interviews with the man himself who despite his now advanced years is still striking and even more interesting than the personae he created.

Highly recommended for anyone who remembers this iconic man and the indelible image he created.

See Rank & Bile's DVD recommendations at:
Rank & Bile US Picks Rank & Bile UK Picks

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Wednesday, November 22, 2006

R.I.P. Roberrt Altman

Film Director Robert Altman, has died in a hospital in Los Angeles, California. He was 81 years old. A late bloomer, Altman was a middle-aged TV director when he had his first hit with MASH, since then he has directed classics like McCabe and Mrs Miller, Nashville, The Player, Short Cuts and Gosford Park. His lastt film was A Prairie Home Companion and featured Lindsay Lohan which may well have hastened his demise!

Last year I caught his theatre directing debut with Arthur Miller's Resurrection Blues at London's Old Vic. I wasn’t impressed but then Altman was a very uneven director. Veering from superb to dismal but when at his best he was a genius and he will be sorely missed.

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Josh Hartnett

The I Definitely Would Hunk Of The Month

From the moment we laid eyes on Josh Hartnett way back in 1997 we were smitten and our admiration for this 6ft 2" hottie has grown along with his roles, from getting dirty in Black Hawk Down to the mysterious detective in The Black Dahlia.

As well as looking good in a vest, if reports are to be believed he's an all round nice chap as well. It also doesn't hurt that he is capable of acting his way out of a paper bag...if only just. But hey! if you look that good who cares if he can act anyway.

He may Hollywood’s most unruly eyebrows but that just adds to his charm.

Even better news is that scheming hussy Scarlett Johanssen has finally let poor Josh out of her clutches (more fool her!) which makes him young free and single again and perfect husband material for me!

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Behind The Scenes At The Tomkat Wedding Farce

More nasty details about the TomKat wedding farce are emerging from horrified honoured guests who attended the Scientology service. Apparently as Rank & Bile predicted there was a particularly ewww swapping of saliva at the end of the ceremony with TomKat snogging each other for a good 3 minutes before the embarrassed guests shouted at them to stop! This almost rivals David Gest’s equally stomach churning slobbering over Liza Minnelli at their fake celebrity ridden wedding. As well as having to witness TomKat swapping saliva many of the guest complained the $5m production cut corners on the food with many guests seen gobbling down dinner back at their hotel and J Lo sending out for 30 pizzas to feed her and her hungry friends after the event. (Hmm 30 pizzas that could explain the famous J Lo fat ass!)

It also appears the far from dispelling rumours about the groom, the wedding just served up a whole lotta comedy fodder for US talk shows, with Bill Maher comparing Katie Holmes to a "beard" and a "hostage" instead of a bride. Craig Ferguson stated that "none of Katie's former boyfriends are expected to attend the wedding and none of Tom's former boyfriends either!” and Conan O Brien waded in with "TomKat's wedding features 6000 scented candles and yet something doesn't smell right."

Last but not least, rumours abound about the surprise attendance of Brooke Shields at the wedding. Why would Brooke attend? When she famously fell out with Tom after he attacked her on network television, with a whole load of scientology mumbo jumbo, for using drugs to treat anti natal depression? Well, apparently she was paid by the Cruise Control team, to try and play down Tom’s lunacy and the resulting PR fiasco. Nice touch!

Well at least they weren’t lying when they said it was a Fairy-tale wedding.

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Nicole Richie Ditches Stylist And Discovers Food

Is Nicole Richie finally on the mend? The pint sized poppet has reportedly gained 10 pounds and she’s looking healthier and happier lately, she's even sporting a bit of cleavage!

And whilst she's not exactly plump she does look less likely to snap at any minute.

So what was the turning point for Nicole? Well it might have something to do with the fact that she finally ditched her crystal meth dealer stylist, Rachel Zoe.

Nicole is reported to have said she no longer trusts Rachel and wants to “rid herself of negative drugs people”

Rachel is reportedly furious….tough luck Rachel go find yourself another starlet to turn into a skeletal bobble headed zombie. With any luck the other Rachel clones Mischa, Lindsay et al will all follow suit and dump her as well!

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Car Crash of The Month - Lindsay Lohan

Lindsay Pantie-less Lohan is quite literally our car crash of the month as yet again she’s had a mishap at the wheel of her car this is about the 4th this year! Someone get this girl a driver! Her and George Michael have gotta be up for worst celebrity driver of the year and probably for the exact same reasons!

This time Ho Han hit a police car in
London with her Range Rover whilst out partying With Calum Best.

Between her and George Michael the streets of London are rapidly becoming death traps!) It’s also less than a month since her last mishap in her Mercedes when she collided with another vehicle after partying at nightspot “Hyde”.

HoHan’s driving and her nasty tendency to go commando when there are paparazzi around, isn’t the only cause for alarm, whilst in London, she has been spotted sporting what look like scratches and scars on her wrists?

A quick trawl through her recent photos reveal an alarming number of bandages/camouflage around the
wrist area as well as further scarring, prompting many to suspect she may be self harming. Hardly surprising when you are seeing Calum Best!

If I was dating that particularly loathsome lothario, I’d have suicidal tendencies too!

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Whitetrash Britney Back At Last!

Hurrah for the return of White Trash Britney! The Britney we know and love!

Gone is the dodgy dark Angelina wannabe hair and the Nicole Richie sunglasses and back is blonde weave Britney puffing on a Marlboro with her jugs half out.

Amazing what dumping a loser husband does for your whitetrash rating! Britney has even started hanging with super skank Paris Hilton!

The all new Brassy Britney far from being concerned about K Fed’s threat to release a dodgy husband and wife sex tape has, completely turned the tables on her loser ex by threatening to release it first and pocket the money!

Welcome back Britney we missed you!

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Monday, November 20, 2006

Gay Paris

I haven’t posted anything for a few days, thanks to my best friend Mike, who treated me to a weekend in Paris! A group of six of us descended on the French capital in high spirits but after a somewhat overly alcoholic Friday night were somewhat worse for wear on sat. Not learning from our mistakes the Saturday evening we repeated the same mistake on a slightly larger scale as a result much of our time in Paris was spent looking like the wreck of the Hesperus and feeling just as bad! That aside, with the exception of sat night, we had great weather and I got to take some shots with my new camera…that was as soon as I figured out how to get the lens cap off! (see a couple of my efforts in this post!)

Highlights of the holiday included seeing the inside of Notre Dame, which I’d forgotten was so spectacular, a hysterical “Allo Allo” style café near our hotel, where the staff were straight out of BBC casting, particularly the waitress who looked like a bad drag act on a night out, the patrons were no better either, including one mad old woman who tried to take our photo by looking through the wrong part of the camera then nearly toppled a waiters cart as she moved back to get us all in. Other highlights were seeing a man at Gare du Nord completely oblivious to the fact he was dragging along behind him a postcard stand as well as his suitcase on wheels and the spectacular Christmas lights at Les Galeries Lafayette on Boulevard Haussman.

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My New Toy

I just treated myself to a new camera the Olympus E500 complete with an extra zoom lens and I’m loving it. Now if I can just figure out how to use it I should be able to take some great Pictures!

It might help if Olympus actually provided you with a manual rather than a PC disc! It’s a little hard to find a spare PC when you’re out and about! I thought I might be able to print it but alas at 260 pages it’s like carrying war and peace around in A4 format! Watch out for my photographic efforts here on Rank & Bile in the months to come.

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Hell Hath No Fury Like Liza Scorned

David Gest is turning out to be a somewhat unlikely favourite in the reality show “I’m a celebrity get me out of here”

But whilst the British public may slowly be thawing toward the unusual looking Gest, his ex- wife Liza Minnelli is most definitely not!

A friend of Liza’s told The Sun: "She was sobbing that he deserves to be eaten alive by crocs or f****d by kangaroos. Liza goes from wishing him dead from spider stings to hoping he abandons the show and flies home to beg forgiveness.

She still has extreme feelings for Gest from a teary 'come home, baby!' to ranting 'Die in a plague of pus-oozing boils!"

Sounds like the producers need to get Liza thinking up his next Bush Tucker trial!

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Crazy Cruise's Fake Wedding

Well the Crazy Cruises finally tied the knot on Saturday, despite Katie looks of desperation from the windows of Odescalchi Castle in Italy, the pair were wed in a scientology service later that day.

The guest list comprised tout Hollywood’s scientology set including, Will and Jada Pinkett Smith, Kirstie Allie and Mr & Mrs John Travolta.

Other non scientology hangers on Chris Henchy, Victoria Beckham (who looked like dressed for a funeral), Jennifer Lopez and Marc Anthony, and Jim Carrey and Jenny McCarthy even a somewhat apprehensive looking Brooke Shields was seen arriving.

Not really a star turn out considering tom’s position in Hollywood, in fact it all smacked somewhat of rent a crowd. Which is somewhat appropriate as it now emerges it was all just for show anyway.

The Mayor of Bracciano, said the couple would have needed to have a civil ceremony in town in order to make it legal. Tom & Katie were in fact married in the US before even leaving for Italy and it wasn’t just the ceremony that was fake either, it appears the wedding pictures aren’t exactly the real McCoy unless that is, Katie was stood in hole? Somehow Munchkin Tom actually looked taller than his wife in the official wedding shot!

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Thursday, November 16, 2006

Mass Hysteria Amongst Show Tunes Fans As Carol Channing Accused Of Homophobia

Mass hysteria broke out amongst show tune fans this week after Broadway Legend Carol Channing was accused of making an anti gay remark in an interview. Carol when asked about her legions of gay fans reportedly told the Gay People's Chronicle:

"I don't think about them. I'm grateful that they seem to like me. They're terribly loyal to me. But I'm knee-deep in the Bible, and you know what it says about that."

These remarks seemed to be a distinct departure from her earlier public declarations of support for her gay fan base and her many appearances at Aids charity events.

Luckily some semblance of order was restored, before musical theatre fans became too hysterical or issued a gay fatwah (fagwah) on the 85 year old, after Carol’s publicist released a statement claiming she had been mis-quoted and claimed the writer was "clearly trying to bash an Icon and make a name for himself."

Channing's publicist says that the writer mangled the quote and left out a key word to make it look like the performer was anti-gay: "With reference to the Bible - she said about gay marriage 'You know what the Bible says about it ... Nothing."

Meanwhile the Gay People's Chronicle is sticking to its story and musical theatre Queens are already dubbing the incident Channing gate!

Personally I find it hard to believe that she is anti gay especially considering she was married to one for 42 years! but given that Carol is clearly as mad as a box of frogs she could have said anything!

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Boos All Round At The World Music Awards

Little Lindsay Ho Han got a less than rapturous reception at Last night’s World Music Awards Lindsay who was hosting the awards was met with loud boos every time she appeared on stage and then proceeded to fall down a set of back stage stairs, bruised and battered by both the fall and the crowd Lindsay beat a hasty retreat and gave up as host half way through the event.

If you thought Ho-han got a rough ride it was nothing compared to the night’s headliner Michael Jackson.

Despite costing the organisers a whopping £300,000 for just one song, Wacko dressed in what looked like one of La Toya’s old wigs and some very dodgy slap, warbled his way through one line of “We are the world” badly off key and left the rest of the song to a bunch of very brave children who volunteered to share the stage with him.

Given that some fans had queued all night one line wasn’t going to cut it and he was loudly booed by the disappointed fans.

Considering the quality of his performance I think he was lucky to get out alive!

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London Invaded By Plague Of Un-Wanted Visitors

Londoners are afraid to go out at the moment as a nasty plague of air heads, heiresses and tabloid whores seems to have descended on the capital. These pests known as Lohans, Hiltons Beyonce’s and Simpsons are everywhere and Londoners are advised to avoid them at all costs as many of them carry nasty diseases.

Scientists believe these creatures have been drawn to London from their native habitat of North America by a freak phenomena that takes place every few years at Earls Court (The World Music Awards) and by the presence in the capital of their Queen Bee (Wacko Jacko) who landed last week and built a nest at the Hempel Hotel, even the Royal Premiere of Casino Royale wasn’t safe as Dame Judi Dench found to her cost on Tuesday, when one of the nasty invaders buzzed around her as she stood on the red carpet.

Luckily Dame Judi managed to remain serene as always despite the attack. Experts warn the creatures are strangely drawn to glitter and lights especially at night and Londoners are advised to be extra vigilant in these kinds of areas.

The good news is that experts predict that as soon as the Queen Bee begins her migration the other minor drones will follow suit and London will be pest free again.

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K Fed Taking The Break -Up Well

Us magazine reports that dumped loser K Fed left his ex wife a “love note” written on the shower door of his dressing room shower, following a gig at the House of Blues in Chicago. The note read:

Today I’m a free man
Ladies look out
F--k a wife
Give me my kids B-tch!
--Kevin Federline

Hmm nice grammer! Whilst I’m not in the least surprised at this somewhat tacky gesture from grimy, loser, K Fed, I am totally shocked by the news that K fed has actually been somewhere near a shower at any point in his life!

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Monday, November 13, 2006

Victoria Beckham - Doesn't Eat - Go Figure!

Posh has revealed the secrets of her skeletal frame apparently emaciated spice “doesn’t eat”… no surprise there then!

According to Page Six, "Victoria maintains her tiny frame because she only permits herself to snack - not eat - on edamame, pretzels and occasionally sushi."

Apparently stick insect Posh has also told friends she hasn't drunk water in years because she "hates the taste." Instead she sticks to Diet Coke.

Hmm it probably helps bring up the pretzels, soya and sushi better!

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The Egos Have Landed

The circus has hit town in Rome, as Short Ass and Dead Eyes or as we like to call them; The Crazy Cruises, touched down in Rome ahead of their wedding on 18th November. The motley assortment of loonies that comprisis their entourage, included, Suri and Tom's adopted children Connor and Isabella. (so that makes all 3 of the children he hasn’t fathered!)

For those who care, Armani will be designing The Zombie Katie’s dress and The Munchkin Tom’s tux and surprise, surprise, a whole bunch of other Scientology crazies are flying in for the nuptials, including, Leah Remini, Kirstie Alley, Jenna Elfman, John Travolta, Kelly Preston, and Priscilla and Lisa Presley.

Expect plenty of slobbering between Tom & Katie, a la David Gest, at his equally fake marriage to Liza Minnelli. At least Andrea Bocelli who is reportedly booked to sing, won’t have to witness that particularly gross spectacle!

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Reality Show Hell

Reality show madness is upon us, first poor little Ms Dynamite ended up being airlifted to hospital after racing driving, reality show, “The Race” saw her injured in a 100mph crash....Ouch!

But even worse the contestants of “I’m a celebrity get me out of here” which starts tonight, are not only going to have to endure 3 weeks in the jungle and all manner of ghastly bush-tucker trials, they are going to have to live with über slimeball David Gest in their midst!

Given the choice I’d take the car wreck any day!

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Battle Of the Divorces - Kevin & Heather - How Low Can They Go?

Well in the ugly divorce ratings, The Federlines and The McCartneys are running neck and neck.

First comes the news that K fed has demanded from Britney, a whopping £16million pay off and custody of their children Sean Preston and Jayden James.

Britney may have a cast iron pre-nup but K Fed claims to have a tape of him and his ex wife having sex and is threatening to sell it to the highest bidder if his terms aren’t met…..classy K Fed Classy!

Meanwhile over the pond, Sir Paul McCartney is trying to do a Madonna and buy a baby, only this time the baby in question is his! Paul has offered hop-a-long, ho, Heather a whopping £20million for custody of daughter Beatrice on top of an £80 million pound divorce settlement just to get rid of the poisonous witch.

And to think the papers accused her of being a cheap ho….£100 million is not what I call cheap!

Paul has also apparently had Heather digitally erased from his new documentary, what a shame getting rid of her in real life isn’t as easy!

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Sunday, November 12, 2006

One's Mother Is Not Amused!

Oops! poor old Prince Charles, having been made to attend the inteminably long and dull remembrance (poppy) services for Britain's war dead yesterday, the solemn occasion proved to be just a bit to much of a bore for him and the old boy nodded off!

Unfortunately for him just as his eyes closed and his chin hit his chest his mother happened to glance sideways, the result was one of her famous glares, (worse still caught on camera) HM Queen was obviously not amused. I suspect someone was well and truly in the corgi house when they got home!

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