Tuesday, October 31, 2006

Rank & Bile At The Movies - LFF Premiere Hollywoodland

So Last night Mike and I went to the premiere of Hollywoodland starring Diane Lane, Bob Hoskins, Adrien Brody and Ben Affleck. The evening started well as we got to schlep down the red carpet just behind Ben Affleck and Matt Damon and in front of Adrien Brody, tres glamorous!

Unfortunately that’s were the excitement ended, as the film itself was an overly long leaden turkey.

The story of George Reeves US TV’s Superman and the mystery surrounding his death, it was beautifully photographed but far too long and far too boring. The only saving grace was Affleck who for once turned in a semi decent performance and Lane who delivered her usual efficient, if not dynamic, turn.

After the showing Adrien, Ben Bob and the Director took questions from the audience and it appears Mr Brody (who I used to really like!) felt we just hadn’t been bored enough and proceeded to answer every question at such length audience members were slipping into comas. You can justify rambling on about your motivation for eons if you’re playing Shakespeare but not some dreary B movie thriller.

At least Mr Affleck, when he had the chance to speak, was amusing and self effacing but given the turkey just served up to the audience, it was only appropriate! He started his speech by saying he was surprised there were so many people still left in the audience when the lights came up! Never a truer word said….as I hear at another festival they booed! Wisely the film had a late showing ensuring the audience were exhausted and bored into submission and relatively un-hostile.

Am I being to harsh on Hollywoodland …quite possibly it was overlong and I was tired make up your own minds when it’s released on 24th November.

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Ryan Philippe Back On The Market - Hurrah!

According to an official announcement former Hunk of The Month Ryan Philippe has split from his wife Reese Woodenspoon…hurrah! As millions of queens around the world rejoice Reese apparently is not taking it well and is a liquored up mess, well that’ll teach her to marry someone prettier than herself!

Rumours are Ryan has been having it away with a waitress he met while filming in Canada, though I would prefer to believe it’s a waiter!

This apparently was the last straw for Reese, and signalled the end, of what had already become, a very rocky seven year marriage.

Poor Old Reese, chin up!… just try not to have some one's eye out with it!

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Monday, October 30, 2006

Whitney Houston - Queen Of The Night At The Carousel Of Hope Ball

Whitney’s definitely back with a capital B and looking absolutely fabulous. The newly divorced Whitney, was Queen of the Night, when accompanied by her producer, Clive Davis she attended the annual Carousel of Hope Ball in Los Angeles.

What a difference a few months makes! From dishevelled crack addict, to a radiant Houston looking the best she has in years. Rehab and ditching Bobby and the crack obviously agrees with her! Even her wig is looking good this time!

I’m the first to attack the stars but nothing has pleased me more than seeing Whitney back on track now let’s just hope Clive will get the Diva the comeback album she deserves and get her back up there where she belongs as The Diva of all Diva’s.

Shame a few others don’t follow her lead and get some help, speaking of which…..

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Nicole Lindsay & Mischa The Week-End From Hell

It’s not been a good weekend for Rachel Zoe’s addicts….erm sorry clients, first came pictures of Mischa Barton last week sobbing in her car? Maybe she gained a pound or kept a meal down by mistake?

Then this weekend Lindsay HoHan was spotted early morning in LA having a sort of paranoid freak out in her car. Lindsay claimed she was being followed and had been for hours, by people trying to run her off the road and kill her.

Ironically she had been partying earlier with Nicole Richie who apparently collapsed at nightspot Hyde also in the early hours and was carried by friends, out of the club. Whatever they were “drinking” make mine a double!

Hmm so much for Nicole’s re-hab how long did that last? Two days?

Get these girls some help!

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Saturday, October 28, 2006

Nicole Richie Finally In Rehab For Her Weight Issues

So, Nicole Richie has gone into re-hab to sort out her Crystal Meth addiction….erm sorry I meant her weight issues. Her rep says:

“Nicole Richie has decided to undergo diagnostic treatment to determine why she’s not been putting on any weight. She is working with a team of doctors and specialists whose focus is nutrition. It is important to Nicole that she achieves this goal in a healthy way as this is not a treatment for an eating disorder.”

Hmm does she really need to go into rehab for this? I could think of a much easier way…..just bloody eat something.

It’s not difficult Nicole! But in case you you’re struggling here is the Rank & Bile 4 step programme to help you:

Step 1. open mouth

Step 2. insert food

Step 3. chew

Step 4. swallow

…No really Nicole! It is that simple!

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Rank & Bile At The Movies - The LFF Premiere Of Infamous

Thursday Lulu and I saw the London Film Festival's premiere of there totri=oduced the film and it't mor life in Capote'second half.premiere Infamous, directed Doug McGrath who was also there to introduce the film and its stars.

The film follows the same route taken by last year’s Capote, telling the story of Truman capote’s writing of “In Cold Blood” in Kansas. But unlike last years Capote this film successfully illustrates the contrast between Truman’s life pre Kansas and after and the effect it wrought on his life and career. The opening scenes are of Truman’s glittering and gossipy life in New York and are very amusing which make the contrast with his 5 years researching the gruesome murders in Kansas, so marked, in fact the film veers so violently from light to dark it’s almost like two separate films.

Had Infamous been the first version of the story to be filmed, it might have been regarded as triumph—in no small part because of Toby Jones's performance, which is much closer to the Capote we all know, the impish troublemaker, storytelling partygoer, who always seemed larger than life. The likelihood though, is that Phillip Seymour Hoffman despite being physically all wrong for the part will be the performance that’s remembered; especially now he has the Oscar under his belt.

The start of, Infamous is its strength its witty and stylish and it plays like a gossip column, glossy and star-spangled, with Isabella Rossellini as Marella Agnelli, Gwyneth Paltrow as Kitty Dean, Sigourney Weaver as Babe Paley, Peter Bogdanovich Bennet Cerf and Juliet Stevenson (brilliant) as Diana Vreeland.

The second half treads the same ground as Capote and to be honest maybe not as well and the contrast with the first half is so great it sucks all the life out of the story even Sandra Bullock as Harper lee can’t lift it back up and Daniel Craig as Perry is a particularly bleak performance.

On the whole a more enjoyable film than Capote but just too dark in its second half. I’m not sure the events in Kansas warranted a second film but there’s a lot more mileage in Capote’s life beyond the writing of “In Cold Blood”

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Friday, October 27, 2006

Rush Limbaugh - Loser Attacks Michael J Fox

Nobody could failed to be moved by Michael J fox’s ongoing battle with Parkinson disease, which was painfully obvious during his political ad for Democrat Claire McCaskill.

The ad supports her decision to back Stem cell research which Michael and others feel is essential for helping sufferers of Parkinson disease.

When I say nobody could fail to be moved I wasn’t reckoning on the Republican lunacy of Rush Limbaugh. Un-believably Rush has accused Michael of either deliberately acting or not taking his medication to exaggerate his symptoms in an effort to gain sympathy/support.

What a loser, luckily there is a God and the irony is, he’s just swung all possible sympathy/support Michael’s way by attacking the chronically Ill actor.

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Thursday, October 26, 2006

Madge Defends Baby Snatch On Oprah

So Madonna went on Oprah to whine about all the controversy over her buying/adopting a Malawian Orphan.

A tearful Esther told Oprah the child’s father is lying when he says he didn’t give her permission to take little David away. So why is he now saying the opposite? Maybe her cheque bounced?

Madge also claims there are no adoption laws in Malawi (the government of Malawi strongly dispute this) Madonna said “we had to make them up as we went along” I think what she means is, she made them up as she went along as the existing laws were not to her liking!

She also had a pop at the press:

"I understand that gossip and telling negative stories sells newspapers. But I think for me, I'm disappointed because it discourages other people from doing the same thing”

Hmm strikes me the press are right! We should be discouraging people riding roughshod over a country’s adoption laws (in Malawi you are supposed to be resident there for 18 months prior to adoption, not raking in millions on a world tour!) and we should be discouraging people who are deemed unsuitable to adopt in their own country, from going abroad and buying/snatching a baby instead.

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Naomi's Greatest Hits Continue

She’s at it again! Naomi Campbell is on the rampage and God help anyone who gets in her way.

Yesterday little Miss Temper Tantrum was arrested for assault at her home in London after complaints by another woman that she had been attacked. The police held her for 12 hours, even she must have calmed down after 12 hours in a cell!

It seems this time Naomi has run out of domestic staff to vent her spleen on and on this occasion left her drugs counsellor nursing a face full of scratches.

Naomi’s rep was quick to point out it’s all a mistake…..yeah right the poor counsellor must have tripped and fallen repeatedly on Naomi’s talons or maybe it was a mistake like the maid who accidentally ran into Naomi’s blackberry and the personal assistant whose head mistakenly collided with her jewel encrusted mobile not to mention the other five accusations of assualt Naomi has faced!

Someone lock this bitch up! Or at least get her some anger management counselling…but better make sure the counsellor has a crash helmet!

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Wednesday, October 25, 2006

Pete Doherty - Father To Be In Bloody Brawl

Rumours are that former Rank & Bile, Car Crashes of The Month Kate Moss and Pete Doherty are not only engaged but with child as well. Kate has been sporting a rock on her engagement finger and Pete’s family appear to have confirmed that he and Kate are expecting a baby.


So will this mean Pete and Kate calming down a bit maybe even acting a bit more grown up and a bit less druggy?


Hmm apparently not! Pete has celebrated his impending fatherhood by getting into a bloody brawl in Italy with members of the paparazzi! Classy as ever Pete!

These two are rapidly turning from car crash into train wreck of the Month!

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Tuesday, October 24, 2006

Barbra Streisand - Has A Fabulous New DanceTrack Out

For those of you unable to re-mortgage your home for tickets to Barbra's last concert we offer a sneak peak of Barbra's new recording which has been leaked online and features a new dance track by Babs!

Well kind of! Hear the new track courtesy of the demented Revolucian it's Babs... but not as we know her!

Fabulous! Click here for the track.

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Fanny Fever

According to Sitemeter (link in the sidebar) the fab bit of free kit which tells me the number of hits on my blog and also where people clicked from, there has been a mini surge in activity the past couple of days. So what’s brought this on I wondered? Or was it a repeat of the surge I had in July, where, inexplicably, if you typed Pics of Charlize Theron Naked into Google my blog came up? (At this point I should warn you no amount of searching this blog will actually produce pics of Charlize naked….sorry to disappoint you!)

No apparently my normally sedate 200-250 page views a day had leapt to nearly 1000 because of a little post I put up in February, about… of all things, Fanny Cradock! Apparently Google is alive with UK people wanting to know more about fearsome Fanny!

Usually my country split is about 30% US and 20% UK and the rest from anywhere you can think of. Yesterday 92% of my hits were from UK residents searching out Fanny, (insert own joke here!) probably due to BBC4’s spate of recent programmes about her and last nights fantastic play, Fear of Fanny. (Reviewed below)

Finally it seems Fanny is being restored to her rightful place as Queen of The Kitchen and about time too!

Click here for the original post about Fanny

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Fear Of Fanny - The Formidable & Fabulous Fanny Cradock

Last night BBC4 showed “Fear of Fanny” a film about the life of the formidable Fanny Cradock the first lady of television cooks and what a treat it was. With Julia Davis (Of Nighty Night fame) as Fanny and The League of Gentleman’s Mark Gatiss as her long suffering husband Johnny, both giving fantastic performances.

The play followed Fanny’s life from the 1950’s to her sad end in a nursing home in 1994. Along the way she barged through three long running television series, badgering and bullying her husband and anyone else in her orbit, whilst also managing to whip up, over 100 cookery books, a magazine and 4 science fiction novels along the way! No wonder she was addicted to speed, she made Martha Stewart look positively slovenly!

Whilst the public adored her drag queen make-up and bossy, bitchy personae, they drew the line when she verbally assaulted a mild mannered amateur cook who won a national competition, live on TV.

The public never quite forgave her and her long reign as Queen of Britain’s kitchens came to an abrupt end and she was reduced to becoming the comedy old battle-axe on countless chat shows.

Julia Davis portrayed Fanny with all the bitchy, balls we know her for but also revealed a woman driven by personal demons and a determination to escape her own humble beginnings. Hopefully this play will go a long way to restoring the tarnished reputation of one of Britain’s great eccentrics and even greater cooks and it also made for fantastically funny television. Well done BBC4.

Click here for clips of Julia as Fanny

See the real Fanny in action below

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Monday, October 23, 2006

Hello Dolly! - The Campest Toy On Earth!

Want to ensure your little boy doesn't grow up to get any girls into trouble? Or want to ensure he avoids gangs instead preferring a life of fabulous show tunes? Want to ensure he avoids that "grunge" phase and is always beautifully turned out?

For just $39.99 JC Penny have the answer! For every little junior Queen in the making, there is the Carol Channing Ventriloquist Doll! Guaranteed to turn any boy into one who hates sport and loves musical theatre!

Hellooo Dolly! ...I know what I want for Christmas this year!

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La Lollo - Queen Of The Cradle Snatchers

Move over Madonna and Demi Moore, when it comes to dating younger men the winner by nearly 20 years is the fabulous Gina Lollobrigida, at nearly 80 yrs old she is to marry her boyfriend Javier Rigau y Rafols who is 34 yrs her junior.

This is no whirlwind romance either; the pair have been dating for 22 years!

Lollobrigida said: "We met in Monte Carlo when I was 57 and Javier was 23, he was a boy. It was as if we were struck by lightning.

"Let's get one thing straight at the beginning. It was just passion - love came later. I have always had a weakness for younger men."

Lollobrigida, who lives in Rome, added that Rigau had given her a 36 carat emerald engagement ring. She said her wedding would be in church by the end of the year.

La Lollo as she is affectionately known in Italy has become a national institution and despite her dubious wigs ludicrous eye lashes and caked on make up, anyone doubting the durability of her beauty, is given short shrift by the La Lollo herself. Lollobrigida has called herself "The Colosseum", saying: "I will never crumble and never collapse."

Good for you La Lollo! She may be a tad deluded but there’s obviously life in the old girl yet!

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John Barrowman - Captain Jack Is Back!

Last night was the launch of Torchwood the BBC3, Doctor Who, spin- off starring John Barrowwman as bi-sexual time traveller, Captain Jack Harkness. Like Dr Who it's written by the fabulous Russell T Davies of Queer as Folk and Coronation St, fame.

How was it? To be honest I couldn’t tell you I spent so long drooling over the gorgeous John barrowman, the plot sort of passed me by! Luckily I taped it so after a few plays I’ll let you know if the series is any good!

In the meantime you can catch our former Hunk of The Month in action every Sunday at 9pm on BBC3! Hurrah!

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Saturday, October 21, 2006

George Michael - Some People Never Learn!

Make your mind up Georgie boy last month after your drug arrest you were saying “I had no drink or drugs in my body. I haven't got a problem with drugs." Now a few weeks later you are lighting a spliff on the South bank Show and claiming cannabis keeps you “sane and happy”

The old stoner has provoked the ire of drugs charities who have branded his comments irresponsible and stupid.

Frankly who cares if he wants to have the odd spliff or ten but surely he can get through a one hour interview without lighting up? And it’s probably not a good idea to light one up on national TV, especially when you’re due to be sentenced next month for you last little drug/driving mishap!

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Madonna - Fashion Disaster

While Madonna is busy matching her Malawian baby to her Prada tote, her fashion line at Swedish retail giant H&M appears to be bombing.

Three months after Madonna launched her tacky velour tracksuit, in three colours, bountiful stocks of the girl's materials are still hanging on the racks, their "Madonna & Crew ♥ H&M" labels begs the question: Does H&M feel the same way?

Compared to the instant sell-out of Stella McCartney's capsule collection for H&M last year, her BFF Madge's piece is a dud. H&M says that's not a fair comparison. Stella designed a whole 30- to 50-piece line herself. Madonna's contribution "is just a tracksuit that we had designed," H&M's spokesperson said.

Hang on! When it was launched weren’t they stating the pop star "designed a trendy tracksuit" and would be "designing limited edition sportswear" for the stores?

Expect to see it clogging up the bargain bins in time for christmas!

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Brand Beckham World Domination On Track

While Madonna’s forrray into fashion may be a disaster it hasn’t put off Victoria Beckham who has launched her own street wear line and a new fashion website. (Madge must be fuming first Angelina now Posh stealing her thunder!)

At dvbstyle.com Posh states: “ I’ve always been passionate about fashion and I’m really working hard in my new role as the creative director of dVb. Her passion for fashion seems to be rapidly turning her into Anna Wintour’s clone! And it seems her new title of creative director is not the only one she’s in line for;

Sources at Whitehall say Tony Blair is to make David, Sir David Beckham in the next honours list, thereby making Posh, Lady Victoria Beckham!

The brand Beckham juggernaut seems unstoppable! expect Madonna to start shopping for a title any day soon!

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Companies We Hate - Apple iPod

It seems Apple and their iPpod range are continuing to use their customers as guinea pigs rather than bothering to test the products before launch. First there was the disaster that was the Nano launch. A great piece of kit as long as you wrapped it in cotton wool. I was one of the un-fortunate victims who bought a first generation Nano on day of launch and within a month it was so scratched it looked like the entire cast of the Ice Capades had gone over it. What was Apples response? You just need a cover! Shame the covers weren’t on sale till 2 weeks after launch by which time mine looked like it had done a tour of duty in Iraq!

Apple insisted the product was fine despite lawsuits and customer rage on their website, then they very quietly re launched it with an aluminium scratch free shell!

Then they launched their new version (5) of I tunes a nasty bit of software that un-checked seems to take over your whole bloody PC and for some users caused crashes and complete mayhem. Apple admitted some flaws and quietly set about fixing them. Now the final straw Apple have announced a "small number of video iPods (were) shipped with a Windows virus," Hmm a small number didn’t they say a small number of Nano’s were subject to scratching as well!

Given that Apple just announced record profits of $4.84 billion! Up 32 percent on last year and mostly due to iPod sales. You’d think they might want to plough some of that into product testing, instead of letting their customers do it for them!

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Thursday, October 19, 2006

You Were Never Fuglier - Suzanne Somers

What on earth happened to Suzanne, star of a million info-mercials for the thigh master. I presume at some point she had some kind of other career as well ....oh yes wasn't she an actress once?

Well she might have thighs that can crack a walnut but theres nothing firm about that face!
Obviously thigh master sales are down or she'd be straight to the surgeons office.
Then maybe she might look somthing like her thigh master promo shots!

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Madonna & Child - The Saga & The Publicity Continue

Seems Madonna is having trouble with her new accessory….erm sorry adopted baby. The somewhat terrified looking tot was flown into London this week escorted by one of Madge’s hired help. Meanwhile authorities in Malawi launched a legal battle to oppose Madge’s adoption of little David and the press have had a field day.

Madonna claims to have the best intentions for the boy but it strikes me that the cost of having him flown to London by private jet might have been better spent on the boys father, giving him enough money to be financially secure for life and able to care for his son himself!

So how did the family welcome their new edition well Madge had barely taken delivery of her new toy, when she left for her gym for the afternoon!

A warm welcome there then! Today it also emerged that The Malawian authorities aren’t the only ones who opposed the sale…sorry adoption.

A source told Closer magazine: "Guy was not in favour of adopting and the rows have caused tension between them, but Madonna has refused to back down. Guy's own mother, Lady Amber Leighton, was forced to give up her first baby for adoption when she was an unmarried 17-year-old and this personal experience made Guy reluctant to adopt.

Let’s just hope Esther remembers a child is not just for Christmas or until the media coverage dries up!

What must the baby make of it all? Click here to see!

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Paul McCartney Stabbed & Choked Heather Mills - Unfortunately Not Hard Enough

Family court documents are supposed to be confidential; however, Heather Mills' has made sure everyone knows what’s in her divorce papers. In the leaked documents Hopalong Heather claims that Paul drank like a fish, stabbed her in the arm with a broken wineglass, verbally abused her and made her cancel an operation on her amputated leg because it interrupted his travel plans. In fact she’s accused him of everything but beating her with her own wooden leg!

Heather's spokesman said he was shocked to hear the allegations and added, "She has kept a dignified silence. She has not spoken about anything.

Hmm she may not have spoken but the gold digging trollop made damn sure the press got hold of this.

Sir Paul's lawyers stated, "Our client would very much like to respond in public and in detail to the allegations, but he recognizes that the only correct forum for his response to the allegations made against him is in the current divorce proceedings."

Looks like this one is gonna get real messy!

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Mariah Carey Piling On The Pounds Again

Looks like Mariah Scarey is back on the burgers and off of her "I only eat purple food diet!"

That was short lived wasn't it Mariah?

Despite piling the pounds back on it seems Mooriah just cant stay away from those cropped tops, which was kinda ok when she'd just been lipo'd and had a waistline to show off... and boy did she show it off!

But someone needs to tell this ho that no one wants to see it now she's the size of a hippo again!

Ditch the chesse burgers or the cropped tops Mariah you can't have both!

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You Tube Favourite - Liza Minnelli Reality Show

Fans of Liza Minnelli and car crash television, get over to youtube fast, before it gets pulled for some dreary copyright infringement rule and see the never shown pilot of Liza and David (unwelcome) Gest’s, reality show for VH1. Worth it just to catch David's super camp PA and his Diana Ross & Cher doll collection…..but he’s not gay honest! Speaking of gay also catch the campest kid on earth do his Liza impression for Liza!

You also get to see see Liza duet with Luther Vandross and Ray Charles. In her fabulous Warhol strewn apartment. Why did this never make it to air? It’s like watching a train wreck but brilliantly cringe worthy, fascinating and hilarious all at once.

See part one below and follow the links for parts two and three.

Click here for part two
Click here for part three

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Tuesday, October 17, 2006

Orphans Are The New Black

I blame it all on Audrey Hepburn, as a style icon she is second to none and every week some dreary starlet is working the Audrey look. Hell! Last week even Michael Jackson got in on the act in St Tropez

And it’s not just the little Givenchy frocks and slim pants they all want to copy. Audrey’s last days were spent as a goodwill ambassador for Unicef and the pictures of her with starving orphans became some of the most iconic of her career.

Now everyone wants to be seen with Orphans. Orphans it seems are the must have new accessory. Everyone from Reese Witherspoon & Beyonce to Leonardo De caprio & Mariah Carey, are in on the act and no photo-op is complete without a sprinkling of deprived tots. Do you think there’s an agency that supplies them just for shoots? If there isn’t someone should start one and quick.

I have visions of Rachel Zoe screaming into her cell phone .…I have a photo-shoot with Nicole, get me everything from this season in a size zero, the new Hermes Birkin bag and a dozen assorted orphans!

Actually Rachel is probably the only stylist

bucking the trend. But I guess it’s not good for the celebs to look thinner than the orphans!

As is always the case in the world of fashion and PR the real A listers like Madonna and Angelina get to take the accessories home after the shoot.

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