Friday, June 30, 2006

Posh In Emergency Hairlift!

Shocked and appalled by pictures posted on Rank & Bile of her bald spot.
Mrs Beckham rushed back to London by Easyjet (classy!) to have emergency extension repairs, in time for the England match on sat.

Having forked out £1500 for the privilege, she then trotted down the street so the paparazzi could get a good look at her new flowing hair/extensions and just to make sure they didn't miss her she left her blouse half open.

Well done Posh, another hair disaster averted and plenty of tabloid coverage into the bargain.

(Before & After the emergency extension work)

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Screen Queen-Some of what I'm watching this Month

The Anniversary (1968)
Starring: Bette Davis, Sheila Hancock
Director: Roy Ward Baker Rating
Finally this camp masterpiece gets a DVD release!

For those of you who appreciate Miss Davis more subtle early work, this is not the Bette Davis film for you. This is Bette in high camp mode; by this time a caricature of herself flinging the vicious dialogue out of her red slashed upside down mouth and with enough venom to stop an elephant in its tracks.

Mrs Taggart is a one eyed monster of a mother who tortures her children and their spouses with undisguised zeal, in this film of a battling family who gather on the wedding anniversary of their widowed Mother.

Davis without firm direction plays to the galleries and is a mass of eye popping and cigarette waving mannerisms that makes for delicious black comedy. Davis is armed with some spectacularly bitchy dialogue and revels in every minute of it and her supporting cast, especially the fabulous, Sheila Hancock give just as good as they get. Ironically when the original play was staged again this year, in London, it was Hancock who played Mrs Taggart. Much as I enjoyed Hancock in the role, Bette is Better.

They really don’t make these kind of star vehicles anymore and this one is fabulous, so do yourself a favour and go buy/rent this movie you won’t be disappointed.

**** Stars
The Anniversary Buy it at Amazon

See a Clip of Bette in Action as Mrs Taggart

Memoirs of a Geisha (2005)
Starring: Ziyi Zhang, Suzuka Ohgo
Director: Rob Marshall
Nitta Sayuri reveals how she transcended her fishing-village roots and became one of Japan's most celebrated geisha.

You really can’t find much to fault in this sumptuous adaptation. The story of one of Japans last and greatest Geishas. It has breathtaking photography, locations, costumes and make up, which all perfectly evoke pre-war japan and give this film a visual splendour.

Despite the controversy surrounding the casting of Chinese actresses in key roles Suzuka Ohgo is absolutely mesmerising as the Geisha and Ken Watanabe, always a very watchable actor, turns in another great performance. All in all an excellent film that is worth a couple of hours of anyone’s time.

Memoirs of a Geisha (Widescreen 2-Disc Special Edition) Buy it at Amazon

**** Stars

Cabaret (1972)
Starring: Liza Minnelli, Michael York
Director: Bob Fosse
We went to see this film at the open air cinema near Tower Bridge and armed with a picnic it turned out to be a very pleasant evening. It was also the first time I had actually seen this film on a big screen and with an audience. Yes dear readers I am too young to have seen the original theatrical release despite what people and the deterioration of my face may tell you!

I’d forgotten just how good a film this is, Liza is simply superb and the Bob Fosse’s direction is perfect. It was also good to hear people liked the humour as much as I always have and sung along with all the songs, like I always do. All that is except for my friend’s new BF who horror of horrors not only hadn’t seen the film he wasn’t a fan of Liza’s! I don’t understand these new fangled gays? Don’t they teach them anything in school?!

Go get yourself a Liza education and buy the DVD and while you’re at it start making your way through her Mother’s back catalogue.

Cabaret Buy it at Amazon

***** Stars

Wednesday, June 28, 2006

B.I.L.E. - Celebrity Botox Abuse

A very good friend of mine is currently suffering from a very bad case of B.I.L.E. and no I don’t mean stomach acid. I am of course referring to that peculiarly 21st Century affliction Botox Induced Lazy Eye.

Ironically Botox was first developed to help cure lazy eye and twitches, however if you suffer neither of these afflictions and insist on going into Cher-like Botox overload it has the opposite effect causing one eye to look half closed and smaller than the other or even causing twitching. Not pretty! Your forehead is perfectly smooth but you look like you have Bell’s Palsy!

Now I'm sure most of you dear readers have probably suffered from this awful ailment at some point or another and to put my friends mind at risk I Ihave posted a few pictures of alleged Celebrity B.I.L.E sufferers. Including recent victim Mariah Scarey. (City Rag)

Celebrity B.I.L.E. or just winking? You Decide.

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Shirley She Can Do Better Than This?

This week I watched a couple of particularly dreary chick flicks “In her shoes” and “Rumour has it” the thing that stood out about both these films apart from the ghastly scripts was that both films were about sisters who fall out, lost their mother at an early age and had a happy ending with a wedding. The other common denominator was that in both films the sisters had a quirky Grandmother and both of them were played by Shirley MacLaine.

Now it’s bad enough that MacLaine didn’t read the scripts cos if she had, she might have noticed they were exactly the same! Although this proved to be a plus for MacLaine as she obviously saved herself time and money by just phoning in the one performance!

Now don’t get me wrong I’m a huge fan of Miss MacLaine but when is she going to stop cornering the market in kooky grandmothers and actually tackle a role worthy of her talents and if it’s a case of her not being offered anything else, then shame on you Hollywood for leaving this great actress to stew in insipid crap like “Bewitched” and even worse as Miss Ellie in the new “Dallas” movie.

So come on Shirley enough already with the dodgy grandma cameos. Stop wasting your talent and get your hooks into another “Postcards from the edge” or “Terms of Endearment”

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Being Gay- It's All Your Brothers Fault!

According to new research in America the cause of being gay is definitely nature and not nurture and furthermore you are far more likely to become gay if you have an older brother. Younger male siblings the report states are many times more likely to become card carrying Cher fans than only children or the eldest son. The theory is that good old Mother Nature having produced one straight son capable of continuing the line then makes the others redundant, breeding wise, to keep the population numbers. down!

Hmm well it could explain those rumours about Princes Edward and Andrew?

Now not wishing to argue with the boffins but a quick straw poll of my flamboyant gentlemen friends seems to conclude they were in fact all the eldest sons, so either that theory is a load of old tosh or we've all got Mothers with something to hide!

What really concerns me about these periodic claims to have discovered the cause of being gay is, why do we need to know? The whole thing smacks of homophobia to me there is a sense that they desperately want to know what makes us gay so that they can stop it in the future.

For goodness sake some of us are gay and some of us are straight. Who cares why? Just get over it and stop trying to figure out why and we might all get along a little better.

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Monday, June 26, 2006

Madonna's Gnarly Old Hands!

It's a sad but inevitable fact that the first things to go on a woman are the hands and neck.

Many a fabulous facelift is ruined by a turkey neck and hands that look like claws.

So who do these knarly old hands belong to?

Yes believe it or not these nasty old claws belong to her Madgesty, Madonna!

Hmmm maybe it's time she laid off the excercise and dieting? and put some meat back on those claws!

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Football Madness - Posh Stops Pouting And Actually Smiles!

Well whether we like it or not the UK is gripped by the world cup and even I, a person who finds football as much fun as root canal work, am starting to get hooked. If only for all the coverage the W.A.Gs (wives and girlfriends) are getting.

I even went as far as watching part of yesterday’s game! It seems I’m not the only one, Victoria (baldy) Beckham even flew back in for the match and actually stopped pouting for a moment to cheer her husband’s winning goal.

Who knew her face could show that much expression without cracking?! And even I have to admit little Romeo’s thumbs up for his Dad is pretty cute!
Now after all that niceness and football I need to go and lie down in a darkened room!

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Sunday, June 25, 2006

You Were Never Fuglier - Isabella Rossellini

What the hell happened to Isabella Rossellini? She was once a stunning woman. I could almost forgive her the terrible haircut and the dodgy make up .....almost, but what the hell is she wearing in this picture?

It looks like a shroud for gods sake.
Which is quite appropriate as it looks like her modelling career is dead and buried.

Hardly a surprise after pictures like this!

No wonder she was unceremoniously dropped as the advertising face of cosmetics giant Lancome.

Ditch the sack and get some surgery honey!

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Britney & Paris Go Black To Their Roots

This week it seems everyone wants to look like Angelina Jolie and who can blame them? The girl is a stunner but Britney Spears and Paris Hilton need to stick with their dumb trashy blonde looks, cos the only one who can carry off the Angelina look is Angelina herself.

What were they thinking?

Britney was first off the mark with her bad dye job. Hey isn’t hair dye supposed to be bad for the baby when you’re pregnant? Seems little Miss Trailer Trash is not content with abusing poor little Sean Preston by hurling him about, she’s out to harm the next one before it's even born!

Then Paris was next up, arriving at the O2 wireless festival, with this monstrous dark look, luckily for her and us, this time its just a really bad wig and Paris can get back to that trashy, cheap hooker, brassy, blonde we know and love.

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Screen Queen-Some of what I'm watching this Month

Mommie Dearest (Hollywood Royalty Edition) (1981)
Starring: Faye Dunaway, Diana Scarwid
Director: Frank Perry

In 1977 Joan Crawford, Hollywood Royalty, died, less than a year later her daughter Christina wrote the most scathing attack on a Hollywood star ever published. Mommie Dearest, whether that book is either accurate or fair is another matter, personally I think Christina was such a loathsome child she could have driven Mother Theresa to child abuse but I digress, it was of course, a publishing sensation and a movie inevitably followed and what a movie.

Mommie Dearest is the campest cult film ever made and for good reason. I’m sure its director and star (Faye Dunaway) thought they were producing a serious and dramatic film but instead they delivered a movie so over the top that it’s hysterical. Where did it go so wrong, or if you are a lover of camp so right?

Well like most camp movies it takes itself very seriously indeed and that’s what makes it so funny but its Faye Dunaway who really turns the whole thing into a camp-fest of the first degree. Lumbered with a script that is a drama queen’s dream she attacks the lines with a relish bordering on the salacious and delivers a performance that doesn’t just chew the scenery it chews it, swallows it and then spits it out again.

Whilst the rest of the cast play it in a somewhat understated fashion, Faye’s performance comes at the audience like a juggernaut with failed brakes lurching from one set piece of high octane hysteria to another. Who can forget her delivery of such lines as “No wire hangers eveeeeer!” and “Tina bring me the Axe!” Lines that have now entered the Gay lexicon and launched a thousand drag acts. No other major star has ever delivered such an over the top performance in fact, after this film those other great over the top creations, Margo Channing (Bette Davis in All About Eve), Norma Desmond (Gloria Swanson in Sunset Boulevard) and Baby Jane are not only forced to surrender their Grand Guingol crowns but seem positively suburban by comparison.

Add to this some fantastic sets and costumes by legendary MGM designer Irene Scharaff who came out of retirement to dress Faye (as she had done the real Crawford) and you have a production that perfectly frames Faye’s melodramatic performance in which she frighteningly channels Crawford at her melodramatic best.

The irony is that Christina Crawford attempted with her book and the subsequent film to destroy her mother’s reputation…she failed. Joan has now, as a direct result, of the film gathered a new generation of fans who after viewing the film went out to seek the real Joan in her many films and fell in love with her. She lives on not as just a forgotten old star but as a saint Joan Patron Saint of camp and whilst it may not be the way Crawford chose to be remembered she is definitely remembered.

As for Dunaway, Mommie Dearest almost destroyed her career, no one could take her seriously after “Mommie” and if mentioned in her presence you are likely to exact a reaction worthy of the wire hanger scene. Dunaway needs to have more of a sense of humour about it (not her strong point!) t and laugh along with us, it may not be Shakespeare but it has a huge following and will guarantee her screen immortality.

This new DVD release which includes interviews with many of the cast and a very funny commentary by huge “Mommie” fan Jon Walters doesn’t really give the film “the respect it deserves” it would have been nice to see the deleted scenes and maybe a documentary on the real Crawford included but its still a great package and if you’ve never seen it shame on you buy it at once! If you have, take a couple of hours to enjoy it all over again. You’ll never look at wire hangers the same way again!

***** Stars

Mommie Dearest The Music Video!

Mommie Dearest (Hollywood Royalty Edition) Buy It at Amazon
Mommie Dearest Camp Classic

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Saturday, June 24, 2006

Christina & Posh Duke It Out

This week we heard April Scott (who?) is too take over from dreary Jessica Simpson as Daisy Duke in the new (like the last one wasn’t enough of a disaster?!) Dukes of Hazzard movie.

Un-fortunately it seems nobody told Mrs Beckham or Miss Aguilera the part had already gone!

It’s amazing despite vast sums of money and the help of an expensive stylist these two still end up always looking like $10 hookers!

Lets leave the cut offs to teenagers and white trash like Britney and Daisy Duke, girls please!

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R.I.P. Aaron Spelling

Über producer Aaron Spelling passed away yesterday aged 83 and the world is a little less glamorous for his passing. Almost single handedly he revived the glamour of 1930’s and 40’s Hollywood and brought it to the small screen in a succession of wildly successful and glitzy shows which defined the excess of the 1980’s.

Spelling, his wife candy and daughter Tori would become almost as famous as the fictional families he created in his legendary soaps. Tori herself would play a major part in his Beverly hill 90210 soap in the 90’s. They also lived the life he portrayed with a 123 room mansion, the biggest in Hollywood which famously had an ice rink, doll museum and two present wrapping rooms!

A purple heart war veteran , he began his Hollywood career in front of the camera playing villains in shows like Gunsmoke then graduated to writing but it is was as producer he would truly make his mark and eventually become one of the richest and most powerful men in Hollywood and the most prolific producer of all time.

His hit shows dominated the world and were some of the campest of all time including, Starsky and Hutch, The Love Boat, Hart to Hart, Charlie’s Angels, Beverly Hills 90210, Melrose Place, Hotel, Charmed, Vega$, 7th heaven, Models Inc, Life with Lucy, Titans, The Colbys and his biggest hit of all Dynasty. They were huge successes and paved the way for today’s shows like Desperate Housewives and The O.C.

So Aaron Spelling we salute you! R.I.P. The King of Camp.

See a classic clip from Aarons biggest success Dynasty

Dynasty - Season 1 DVD Available at Amazon

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Friday, June 23, 2006

Wasteing Talent

Good grief could these two get any thinner! Nicole Richie and Mischa Barton spend an afternoon at the beach recently taunting the vultures.

Things have got so bad with so many emaciated celebrities lately, that I have decided something must be done. I have therefore decided to start a new charity which will send starving celebrities a pie.
Please give generously and send your food parcels or cash to The Rank & Bile feed a starving celebrity fund.
Together we can save them!

Doherty To Publish Diaries

Pete Doherty has been approached by Orion Books to publish his diaries. Hmmm that’ll be an interesting read!

Monday Did drugs, paparazzi caught me looking like shit, got arrested
Tuesday Did drugs, paparazzi caught me looking like shit, got arrested
Wednesday Did drugs………..

Yeah cant wait for that to hit The Times best seller list!

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Posh - Thin On Top As Well!

Whilst the whole country is metaphorically pulling its hair out from the stress and excitement of the world cup it would appear that Mrs Beckham has been pulling her hair out quite literall.y Paparazzi pics taken yesterday seem to show her having a bald spot!

Maybe its just mousse abuse or extension fatigue who knows? She’s obviously not really, that concerned, about David and his team mates performance as whilst the rest of the footballers wives remain in Germany to cheer our boys on Posh was photographed (complete with bald spot) at a Canadian airport on her way to Winnepeg!

I bet David really appreciates the support!

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Nicole Kidman - Botox Bride

Australia is preparing for the glare of the worlds press as this weekend sees the wedding of Nicole Kidman to Keith whatever his name is?

Like any bride to be Nicole has been rushed off her feet with preparations but managed to squeeze in 3 photo ops in as many days firstly allowing herself to be snapped with her adopted kids for the first time in 2 years! Then descending on a children’s hospital with her family in tow (another great photo op) and then posing for the paparazzi and even leaving beer outside of her home for them. Now call me cynical, and many have, but does all this not smack, just a little, of attention seeking?

Maybe Nicole is a little jealous of the press coverage former hubby/gay dwarf Tom has managed to squeeze out of the arrival of his precious Tomkitten? Maybe I’m being too harsh? And love has mellowed her and her hatred of the press? …..Yeah right!

So what of the wedding?
Well apparently preparations include, invites to a horde of Celebs including Russel Crowe Naomi Watts and Renee Zellwegger, the dress has been ordered from Balenciaga the catering arranged with Luke Mangan and last but not least the bride has been Botoxed within an inch of her life! (if this weeks pics are anything to go by)

Well best of luck Nicole here’s wishing you a happy day lets just hope the botox has slackened off enough so you can actually say I do!

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