Wednesday, August 30, 2006

Nicole Richie's Legs Now Too Thin To Hold Her Up

Well the day has finally come when little Miss Emaciated, Nicole Richie, has actually become so thin her legs can't support the weight of her head any more.

yesterday the weight of her sunglasses alone caused her twig like legs to buckle beneath her! Or perhaps it was a small gust of wind that knocked her down?

Either way it's good to see her new "boyfriend" Brody Jenner rushing to her aid!

More Rank & Bile

R.I.P. Vladimir Tretchikoff

Artist Vladimir Tretchikoff, whose painting The Chinese Girl became the highest-selling print in history, has died in South Africa aged 92.

He became known as the "king of kitsch" through his prints, which were immensely popular in the 1960s and 1970s - although he hated the nickname.

The Chinese Girl (pictured) adorned the walls of over 1/2 million homes, nearly all of them local authority housing. Though considered ironic, retro & kitsch now, they were once bought en masse by people with absolutely no idea about art and bring back happy memories of visiting school friends who's parents were poor and had no taste.

RIP The king of kitsch.

More Rank & Bile

Saturday, August 26, 2006

Some Of What I'm Reading This Month

The Last Playboy : The High Life of Porfirio Rubirosa
by Shawn Levy

Profiro Rubirosa led the most fascinating life, you will find his name littered amongst the biographies of all the 20th century’s greatest women. His famed liaisons included nobility Royalty and Movie Stars and amongst the conquests were such luminaries as Christina Onassis Rita Hayworth, Zsa Zsa Gabor, Eartha Kitt, Ava Gardner, Eva Peron, and Empress Soraya of Iran. His friends included Sinatra, The kennedys, Aly Khan and King Farouk and he married a French movie star, a dictators daughter and the worlds two richest women; Barbara Hutton and Doris Duke.

Not bad for a man born into genteel poverty in The Dominican Republic. He was also a man of colour, who not only knew all of, the almost exclusively white, café society, he was one of its inventors. In his short 56 year life he would become The Dominican Republic’s most famous export and it’s un-official and sometimes official Ambassador.

As well as a minor diplomatic career he was a polo player, racing driver, jewel thief, treasure hunter and kept man. Famed for being larger than life in every way! (he was reportedly hung like a horse) Shawn Levy brings this fascinatingly, complex and glamorous man to life in an engrossing and very entertaining story of the world’s last playboy.

Highly Recommended

**** Stars

Buy The Last Playboy: The High Life of Porfirio Rubirosa at Amazon

My Lives: An Autobiography
by Edmund White

I am a huge fan of Edmund White’s fiction so was really looking forward to this extensive autobiography. Alas I was sadly disappointed, whilst I still love his work the man turned out to be fairly un-loveable.

I appreciate writers who want to give us the real story of their lives as opposed to some whitewashed and sanitised version but there is a limit. I don’t need to know about every sordid sexual practice and liason in a person’s life to truly understand them and Mr White seemed to take an almost salacious pleasure in shocking his readers with every grimy detail.

In future I will, stick to his fiction.

** Stars

Buy My Lives: An Autobiography at Amazon

Bette Davis Speaks
by Boze Hadleigh

This book is a compilation of more than a dozen interviews conducted with the author and Bette Davis from the mid-1970s until her death in which she candidly expounds on a broad spectrum of people and personal feelings, many which probably displeased the person discussed. Topics range from her philosophy on acting and the public's misconceptions of Hollywood personalities to steamier topics such as casting couches, cheating spouses and rival co-stars.

Knowing they would not be published till after her death Bette goes for the jugular and you can almost hear her voice as she decimates rivals, co stars and fellow actors alike. Some people have claimed the interviews to be fiction as Bette was rarely rude about people in public. I beg to differ toward the end of her life Bette was often vitriolic and downright bitchy!

An excellent and very amusing read.

**** Stars

Buy Bette Davis Speaks at Amazon

Pete Doherty - There Goes The Neighborhood

It’s bad enough when Madge has her birthday party in the most pretentious bar in the area (Lounge Lover) and gave it her seal of approval. Now they can finally justify the drink prices, which would bankrupt, even, Bill Gates.

Now Pete Doherty is at it, in Fridays Evening’s standard magazine Pete claims he and Kate are fans of The Golden Heart in Spitalfields. Great! Now what was a great watering hole will be overrun by teenagers, drug dealers and supermodel fans hoping to catch up with the dodgy duo. He also lists Nudge records in Hanbury St and the market itself at Spitalfields as favourite shopping haunts.

Interestingly, Pete claims to live in Hackney although at his last court appearance he listed his address as Haggeston and only a month ago in another interview claimed to live in Whitechapel. The boy certainly moves around! Well, I suppose it’s one way to keep the drugs squad on their toes!

More positive news is that I spotted the fantastic, local based, artists Gilbert & George out and about with a tripod and camera yesterday. Which must mean they are working on another of their brilliant projects.

More Rank & Bile

Gwyneth Paltrow Is Washed Up

Gwyneth Paltrow, the dreariest woman alive, went surfing in Cornwall this week and looked a total mess and miserable to boot. (no surprise there then!)
Im very dissapointed, as apparently, Cornwall's beaches are not shark infested

More Rank & Bile

Double Yummy

Rank & Bile just can’t get enough of Channing Tatum (our Hunk Of The Month) here’s a picture of him with the also adorable Ryan Phillippe filming a parade scene for their new movie in Texas. The Project (reportedly titled Stop-Loss) stars them as soldiers in Iraq.

Gotta say, they both look great in uniform!

More Rank & Bile

Firefox Is Fabulous!

Get Firefox!

Given the ongoing problems with Bloggers inability to post pictures half the time. I have switched to Firefox and I have to say it works like a dream. However for those of you still struggling with tatty old Internet Explorer you may find the layout at Rank & Bile has moved slightly out of alignment. For this I apologise and strongly recommend you click on the banner above to load the vastly superior Firefox. Dont worry all your favourites and everything else will be saved you'll just have a much better browser. Ok Firefox ad over! Back to more....

Rank & Bile

Posh Forced To Get A Job!

With her solo career in tatters at the bottom of bargain bins everywhere and hubby David out of a job as England Captain, Posh has been forced to go out and get a job. Despite economising on her hair extension habit and slashing her food bill, so she can buy clothes at Mothercare and avoid VAT, its obviously not enough and I can’t see her and David’s Glade Plug In range….sorry new perfume range, raking in big bucks, unless there’s a market for smelling like toilet duck! So it’s off to work for Posh.

The job in question will be a US, TV show, hosted by Emaciated Spice. Simon Fuller who is the brainchild behind the show says:

"It won't be a TV show for the sake of a TV show. It will be a fashion proposition that will fit her fashion business. It will be more serious than a reality show but will still be entertaining because
Victoria is so funny”

Who Knew? Victoria is funny! And all these years I thought we were laughing at her not with her! Hmm can’t imagine what fashion advice the stick insect is going to dole out but I bet it won’t be short of diet tips!

More Rank & Bile

George Pissed At N.Y.P.D.

If the Irish Press is to be believed: Boy George is reportedly unhappy at the treatment he was given by the NYPD, when he was arrested last October on cocaine charges, apparently he was forced to drink his own urine while in custody because they wouldn't give him any water:

"I think everyone knows what happened that night. Some parts were exaggerated, some were underplayed. But when I was arrested the police were really hideous to me. I just couldn't understand why they would be so bad - they wouldn't even give you water so I had to drink my own urine in the cells. Seriously. I thought: 'What have I done to deserve this? What happened to beyond reasonable doubt?"

Good Grief! Well thats one way to avoid giving a sample for a drugs test? Drink the evidence!

Hmm I feel a lawsuit coming on!

More Rank & Bile

Tuesday, August 22, 2006

You Tube Favourites - Patricia Routledge As Kitty

You Tube is a bloggers dream especially when you can't be bothered to post much! As there are some gems on there I thought I'd post my favourite each month.This month's You Tube favourite is a clip of the incomparable Patricia Routledge in a comedy monologue as Kitty. Enjoy!

More Rank & Bile

Parasite Hilton's Voice Unleashed On Public

Paris Hilton’s debut album Paris hit the stores today under the Warner Bros label, and nobody is more excited than Paris herself. According to Yahoo Music, she is ecstatic over her work. In praising her own CD, she said , “I, like, cry, when I listen to it, it's so good". Honey we’re all crying and not because it’s good!

If you don't feel like forking over the money to find out if she has any talent, you can visit AOL Music to sample her entire new album for free!

More Rank & Bile

Beckhams Back On The Brand Wagon

Brand Beckham have finally launched their own scent "Intimately Beckham" from the dvb range and I have to say I'm loving the new poster, featuring Thick & Thin themselves. First of all, David looks gorge as ever and secondly Victoria's scrawny face is half obscured...Hurrah!

I just want to know how the hell they managed to photoshop that much booty on the scrawny bitch!

More Rank & Bile

The I Definately Would Hunk Of The Month

Channing Tatum

Channing, who is sadly, related to neither, Carol Channing or Tatum O Neil, Has been appearing in the US show Dancing With The Stars (hosted by our very own Cat Deeley...lucky bitch!) Looks like he's more of a hit back-stage (see pic on the right) than on-stage!

Channing who hails from a poor family in Alabama was a successful model for Page 305 agency before winning the part in A Mountain Dew ad, which was to be the start of his acting career.

His first big part was in dreary teen flick She's The Man, in fact he was the only thing going for this sorry little film.

I suspect with looks like these we're going to be seeing a whole lot more of this 26 yr old cutie. In fact I.M.D.B. already confirms he has another two films in the works!

Woof! White trash never looked so good!

More Rank & Bile

Terror Alert - 80's Divas In Danger

Whilst Britain remains on high terror alert it seems the world’s most wanted terrorists have a new target in their sights. Western infidels have been replaced by 80’s Divas as their number one targets!

First comes the news that Osama Bin Laden is obsessed by Whitney Houston! To the point of wanting to have her husband Bobby Brown assassinated! The suggestion is made by Sudanese poet and novelist Kola Boof, who claims she was bin Laden's sex slave "He explained to me that to possess Whitney he would be willing to break his colour rule and make her one of his wives”

"Whitney Houston's name was the one that would be mention constantly.

"How beautiful she was, what a nice smile she has, how truly Islamic she is but is just brainwashed by American culture and by her husband Bobby Brown, whom Osama talked about having killed, as if it were normal to have women's husbands killed."

Well I guess if you’ve been holed up in an Afghan cave for a couple of years with a bunch of other dirty hairy terrorists even a toothless old crack ho like Whitney looks good!

Then comes the news that Madonna has been threatened with the kidnapping of her and her family, by Russian gangsters if she goes ahead with a planned concert there! Despite her chanting for Chenobyl the Russians apparently don’t want the Moscow concert of her Confessions tour to go ahead, and are willing to go to extreme lengths to stop her. They have even sent her management a series of sinister warnings that Madonna and her two kids could be kidnapped.

However, despite her hubby and tour manager Chris Lamb being worried sick, Esther is not one to cower.“Madonna is well aware of the kidnap threats but she is brave and even a little nonchalant when it comes to her own safety. Guy is seriously concerned and has made it clear that security has to be tightened, just to be on the safe side,” The Sun quoted a source, as saying.

Say what you will about Madonna…..talentless, publicity seeking, deluded, whore, but even I don’t think Madge would be "nonchalant" about the safety of her kids!? (I smell a publicity stunt and a bad one at that!)

Besides, pity the poor bastards who try and take her by force!

Lordy! Whatever next? Hezbollah plot to blow up Maria Carey.

Well I can dream can’t I?

More Rank & Bile

Sunday, August 20, 2006

Madonna - To Save The World From Nuclear Waste!

According to The Sunday Times, Madonna and her husband Guy Ritchie have been lobbying the government and nuclear industry over a scheme to clean up radioactive waste with a supposedly magic Kabbalah fluid.

The couple, both followers of the Jewish spiritual movement, approached Downing Street, Whitehall and British Nuclear Fuels (BNFL) promoting a “mystical” liquid tested in a Ukrainian lake.

“It was like a crank call . . . the scientific mechanisms and principles were just bollocks, basically,” one official said.

Madonna is said to have approached Downing Street, before being directed to the DTI. “She relentlessly pursued people,” said a former DTI civil servant. “She wanted to get this Russian scientist to explain this to civil servants.”

The Kabbalah Centre, which is based in Los Angeles but has branches worldwide, was set up by Philip Berg, a former insurance salesman. One devotee has described how Berg leads chants of “Chernobyl” and the names of other nuclear power plants. Followers believe this helps “heal the problem of nuclear waste”.

Undercover reporters who attended a Kabbalah Centre dinner in London described how Madonna and Ritchie were among guests who turned east towards Chernobyl and began shouting its name. Some Kabbalah followers are even said to believe that nuclear waste is the cause of the Aids epidemic!

Madonna claims: “According to science we aren’t going to have a planet in about 50 years at the rate we’re going with nuclear waste"Then goes on to say: "I can write the greatest songs and make the most fabulous films, be a fahion icon and conquer the world but if there isnt a world left, whats the point"

I don't even know where to start with this! Has she totally lost her mind!?
The most fabulous we know she's insane.
Get a grip Esther!

Friday, August 18, 2006

If You Can't Turn Back Time....

What’s a girl to do when she doesn’t look her best? Well you could always opt for Cher’s look and plaster your face with goo! If you can't turn back time at least you can cover it up!

Cher was spotted in this facepack after leaving an exclusive day spa in L.A. obviously someone forgot to mention you’re supposed to remove the mask at some point! Or maybe she did and she’s just applied her foundation with out her specs again!

Still you have to admit for 60 the bitch still looks great!

More Rank & Bile

Car Crash of The Month - Nicole Richie

Nicole Richie has finally cracked! The bag of bones daughter of Lionel Richie let rip at a photographer, who apparently shouted at her "Nicole, you look disgusting. Gain some f—king weight!" Now I’m not saying the man was nice about it but let’s face it he’s only saying what everyone is thinking!

Nicole bleated her response to Us magazine:
"You don't scream at people that they are overweight, so what makes people think that they have the right to scream at me that I am underweight? It's upsetting and mean," Nicole tells Us. "I am not anorexic. At the moment, I was just sick of everyone constantly bothering me about how I look. I walked up to the photographer and told him, 'What if I really had anorexia? What if I had a disease? How would you feel about saying such horrible things?' He probably just wanted to get a rise out of me, but I'm a human being and he hurt my feelings."

Why is Nicole getting so upset? She already admitted to Vanity Fair she has a problem and lets face it she is anorexic or if not anorexic then bulimic and haggling over semantics is not going to help her.

What will help her is if she just bloody eats something.
Get a life and a decent meal inside you Nicole!

Jeesus! She collapsed recently from lack of food. She needs to check out of Hotel Denial quick and go order a pizza and if she’s not going to help herself. Then stop whining when everyone else comments on her weight!

More Rank & Bile

Madonna - There Goes The Neighborhood

Madonna told 12,000 fans at her Wednesday night concert "I cannot think of a better way to spend my birthday than with you tonight." Ahh bless! Within a couple of hours she obviously had thought of a better way as she arrived for her birthday party in East London!

Good choice Madonna Shoreditch, Brick Lane and Hoxton boast some of London’s best bars and clubs. Not to mention glamorous residents, like yours truly! So what on earth possessed her to have her bash at Lounge Lover off Brick Lane? The place is a palace of kitsch and tackiness. Of all the bars in the area it has to be the worst for affectation, style without substance, and over the top pretentiousness…....Oh. On second thoughts, the perfect venue for Her Madgesty!

She didn’t exactly manage a huge cast of A list either, with Tracy Emmin, (who lives 2 minutes away) Gwyneth (yawn! Is she the dullest woman alive?) Jamie Oliver (maybe he was doing the catering?) and Kevin Spacey most of whom would gladly go to the opening of an envelope. In the meantime the areas worst Bar will now get a huge publicity rush from this and probably hike up prices, although you already need a second mortgage to get a drink there!

Next year Madge save your pennies and just pop round to mine! The décor is better and the drinks are much cheaper!

More Rank & Bile

Tuesday, August 15, 2006

Lance Bass - Gay Jazz Hands

Former member of dreary boy band N'Sync, Lance Bass, came out recently, or to be more accurate was forced out by fellow blogger Perez Hilton amongst others. Good for him, this ended months of speculation.

I hope he'll be very happy with his new out identity.

The only question I have, given these recent pictures of him, is how the hell did he manage to keep it quiet so long!

Lance take a tip from one who's been out a little while longer... Just cos you came out, still doesn't make camp old jazz hands acceptable!

More Rank & Bile

You Were Never Fuglier - Farrah Fawcett

The Comedy Central Roast of William Shatner this weekend brought out a bevvy of stars, including a totally wrecked Farrah Fawcett.

Lordy! what happened to Farrah?

The answer sadly, is 30 years and a whole lot of bad surgery! As this other picture all too graphically shows.

The former Charlie's Angel looks like hell!

Not only is her face ravaged she 's sporting one of the worst cases of celebrity B.I.L.E (botox induced lazy eye) ever seen.

What a shame! There was a time when she was the most beautiful woman in Hollywood.

Hell! even I fancied her! Ok maybe thats an exageration, but I did want her hair!

For Gods sake Farrah lay off the surgery!

More Rank & Bile

A Tale Of Two Coke Cities

The British have always had more of a laissez faire attitude to drugs, after all can you imagine Dennis Thatcher launching a “Just say No” campaign in the 80’s as Nancy Reagan did ? This week really brought this into focus, when you compare the treatment received by two British celebrities, both in a bit of bother for possessing a little of the old Columbian marching powder.

In London, following a front page picture of her snorting coke, in the Daily Mirror. Kate Moss was questioned by police and promptly released with no charges being issued. How did this effect her career? Well you only have to look at this month’s Vanity Fair, although it’s called the The Style Issue, a more apt title would be The Kate Moss Issue. As well as gracing the cover and commanding an eight page fluff piece. Miss Moss is also nominated for their Best Dressed Awards and appears in no less than six full or double page ads for Dior, Burberry, Louis Vuitton and Rimmel No wonder her earnings have skyrocketed in the year since that other famous cover.

In New York meanwhile, after police were called to Boy George’s apartment and found a small amount of cocaine. George too was questioned by police and whilst charges were dropped for possession he was forced to accept a lesser charge of wasting police time. The result? Five days of humiliating community service sweeping New York streets.

I hope George realises this is a very serious offence and has learned his lesson…. If you are going to snort coke do it in London! Not only will you get off scott free, it will do wonders for your career!

More Rank & Bile

Friday, August 11, 2006

Scissor Sisters Free London Gig

The fabulous Scissor Sisters will be celebrating the release of their new album "Tah Dah" with a free concert in Trafalger Square on 16th September. Despite reservations from Westminster Council, London Mayor, Ken Livingstone stepped in and backed the plan.

Yay! The tickets will be distributed in a text lottery to be announced soon.

In the meantime watch the new video for the single "I dont feel like dancin".

Scissor Sisters - I Don't Feel Like Dancin' click for video

Buy Ta-Dah at

More Rank & Bile