Alan Cumming Gets Hitched In London

Congratulations to Alan Cumming and American graphic artist Grant Shaffer, who tied the knot on Saturday, in a civil ceremony at the Old Royal Naval College London. About 140 guests watched the couple swap vows and the celeb-studded guest list included Sir Ian McKellen, Geri Halliwell, Rufus Wainwright and Mary Elizabeth Mastrantonio.

The couple walked down the aisle to the theme song from 1994's Circle of Friends, Cumming's first big film, and then took to a nearby rented ice rink for a newlywed skate to the tune of Queen's "You're My Best Friend."

In a statement the newlyweds used the occasion to bash US policy on gay marriage claiming:

"Not only are we so happy to be able to celebrate our love for each other, but also to be able to do it in a country that properly recognizes the rights of same-sex couples. As residents of America we would have loved to marry there, but we hope that soon the civil rights that we have been afforded in the U.K. will be available to all gay Americans, and we look forward to celebrating not only our marriage, but the end of prejudice."

Good for you guys!


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Eva Longoria & Two Other Bitches Open The Harrods Sale

The annual retail fest that is the Harrods Sale opened this week and in time honoured tradition owner Mohamed Al fayed bussed in a C List US Celebrity to open the proceedings!

This year it was the turn of desperate housewives "star" Eva Longoria who braved the icy weather In London arriving in an open horse drawn carriage to to do the honours. She even manged to smile for the photographers despite having two rabid looking dogs thrust upon her!

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Rank & Bile At The Theatre - The John Barrowman Christmas Concert

A big thank you to Lulu! Who treated us both to tickets to John Barrowman’s Christmas concert this week, at the Royal Festival Hall. We were lucky to get tickets as it was sold out long ago but ever resourceful Lulu managed to bag us two return tickets in the front row no less!

The impossibly handsome Mr Barrowman delighted a packed hall with two hours of songs from musicals past and present and his favourite Christmas songs. He was joined on stage by two of the West End’s current shining stars Helen Dallimore (Glinda in Wicked) and Matt Rawle (Che in Evita) and accompanied by the BBC Concert Orchestra.

Despite having a somewhat Scrooge like attitude to the holiday season recently I was soon jolted out of my bah humbug mood and into the Christmas spirit as I sang along with the carols and listened to John Barrowman’s fabulous voice. Mr Barrowman can definitely sing… and act and is bloody good looking.... in fact he’s not far off perfect!

A fabulous festive evening one of the best shows I’ve seen this year. For those of you not lucky enough to have caught the show, the concert will be broadcast this Friday on BBC Radio2 at 7.30pm

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Boos All Round At The World Music Awards

Little Lindsay Ho Han got a less than rapturous reception at Last night’s World Music Awards Lindsay who was hosting the awards was met with loud boos every time she appeared on stage and then proceeded to fall down a set of back stage stairs, bruised and battered by both the fall and the crowd Lindsay beat a hasty retreat and gave up as host half way through the event.

If you thought Ho-han got a rough ride it was nothing compared to the night’s headliner Michael Jackson.



Despite costing the organisers a whopping £300,000 for just one song, Wacko dressed in what looked like one of La Toya’s old wigs and some very dodgy slap, warbled his way through one line of “We are the world” badly off key and left the rest of the song to a bunch of very brave children who volunteered to share the stage with him.

Given that some fans had queued all night one line wasn’t going to cut it and he was loudly booed by the disappointed fans.

Considering the quality of his performance I think he was lucky to get out alive!

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London Invaded By Plague Of Un-Wanted Visitors

Londoners are afraid to go out at the moment as a nasty plague of air heads, heiresses and tabloid whores seems to have descended on the capital. These pests known as Lohans, Hiltons Beyonce’s and Simpsons are everywhere and Londoners are advised to avoid them at all costs as many of them carry nasty diseases.

Scientists believe these creatures have been drawn to London from their native habitat of North America by a freak phenomena that takes place every few years at Earls Court (The World Music Awards) and by the presence in the capital of their Queen Bee (Wacko Jacko) who landed last week and built a nest at the Hempel Hotel, even the Royal Premiere of Casino Royale wasn’t safe as Dame Judi Dench found to her cost on Tuesday, when one of the nasty invaders buzzed around her as she stood on the red carpet.

Luckily Dame Judi managed to remain serene as always despite the attack. Experts warn the creatures are strangely drawn to glitter and lights especially at night and Londoners are advised to be extra vigilant in these kinds of areas.

The good news is that experts predict that as soon as the Queen Bee begins her migration the other minor drones will follow suit and London will be pest free again.

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Pete Doherty & Kate Moss - There Goes The Neighborhood Again

Despite the best efforts of the Metropolitan Police, my neighbourhood in London has been plagued by prostitutes and junkies of late, they hang around the streets near my home and generally make life miserable for the local residents, its becoming a real nuisance. What’s even more annoying is that they turn up, just as you think they are safely off lowering the tone in another un-suspecting neighbourhood..... like the Serpentine Gallery.

Pete Doherty and Kate Moss arrived at the 90 yrs of “Vogue” party at The Serpentine Gallery the other night, only to leave after 15 minutes and a couple of photo ops.

They then headed for my local pub, The Golden Hart in Spitalfields before going on to 93 East in Brick Lane just 2 mins walk away. This isn’t the first time the pair have eschewed West End glamour for the delights of the East End. Last week Kate missed her own award as Model of The year in favour of a night out in Shoreditch.

Any more of this and property prices in this area are going to plummet faster than Pete’s career!

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No Prestige For Scarlett Johansson

Scarlett Johannson is not having a good week fist she was pictured at the London premiere of her new film “Prestige” wearing quite possibly the most hideous frock of her career topped off with a kind of pink hair rinse.

Lord knows what her stylist was thinking? She looks fat and lumpy and the rinse makes her look like a 50yr old Palm Springs matron.

As if that wasn’t bad enough rumours are circulating like wildfire that there is a Scarlett sex tape.

The audio tape allegedly made when Johansson forgot to remove her mike whilst filming and gave sound technicians a 12 minute performance as she got hot and heavy with an unnamed man in a car.

Still, all publicity is good publicity and Scarlett’s new film is currently top of the box office in the US.

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Dnaiel Radcliffe Play - Publicity Posters Go Up

Here’s Harry Potter as you’ve never seen him before! This summer it was announced Daniel Radcliffe is going to star in his debut on the West End stage in Peter Shaffer's masterpiece Equus and now the posters are up, showing Daniel’s torso cleverly combined with the head of a horse.

Daniel will appear naked in the play, about a young man's attack on horses and a psychiatrist's attempt to explain them.

I wonder what his legions of Harry Potter fans will make of that!

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Rank & Bile At The Movies - LFF Premiere Hollywoodland

So Last night Mike and I went to the premiere of Hollywoodland starring Diane Lane, Bob Hoskins, Adrien Brody and Ben Affleck. The evening started well as we got to schlep down the red carpet just behind Ben Affleck and Matt Damon and in front of Adrien Brody, tres glamorous!

Unfortunately that’s were the excitement ended, as the film itself was an overly long leaden turkey.

The story of George Reeves US TV’s Superman and the mystery surrounding his death, it was beautifully photographed but far too long and far too boring. The only saving grace was Affleck who for once turned in a semi decent performance and Lane who delivered her usual efficient, if not dynamic, turn.

After the showing Adrien, Ben Bob and the Director took questions from the audience and it appears Mr Brody (who I used to really like!) felt we just hadn’t been bored enough and proceeded to answer every question at such length audience members were slipping into comas. You can justify rambling on about your motivation for eons if you’re playing Shakespeare but not some dreary B movie thriller.

At least Mr Affleck, when he had the chance to speak, was amusing and self effacing but given the turkey just served up to the audience, it was only appropriate! He started his speech by saying he was surprised there were so many people still left in the audience when the lights came up! Never a truer word said….as I hear at another festival they booed! Wisely the film had a late showing ensuring the audience were exhausted and bored into submission and relatively un-hostile.

Am I being to harsh on Hollywoodland …quite possibly it was overlong and I was tired make up your own minds when it’s released on 24^th November.

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Rank & Bile At The Movies - The LFF Premiere Of Infamous

Thursday Lulu and I saw the London Film Festival's premiere of there totri=oduced the film and it't mor life in Capote'second half.premiere Infamous, directed Doug McGrath who was also there to introduce the film and its stars.

The film follows the same route taken by last year’s Capote, telling the story of Truman capote’s writing of “In Cold Blood” in Kansas. But unlike last years Capote this film successfully illustrates the contrast between Truman’s life pre Kansas and after and the effect it wrought on his life and career. The opening scenes are of Truman’s glittering and gossipy life in New York and are very amusing which make the contrast with his 5 years researching the gruesome murders in Kansas, so marked, in fact the film veers so violently from light to dark it’s almost like two separate films.

Had Infamous been the first version of the story to be filmed, it might have been regarded as triumph—in no small part because of Toby Jones's performance, which is much closer to the Capote we all know, the impish troublemaker, storytelling partygoer, who always seemed larger than life. The likelihood though, is that Phillip Seymour Hoffman despite being physically all wrong for the part will be the performance that’s remembered; especially now he has the Oscar under his belt.

The start of, Infamous is its strength its witty and stylish and it plays like a gossip column, glossy and star-spangled, with Isabella Rossellini as Marella Agnelli, Gwyneth Paltrow as Kitty Dean, Sigourney Weaver as Babe Paley, Peter Bogdanovich Bennet Cerf and Juliet Stevenson (brilliant) as Diana Vreeland.

The second half treads the same ground as Capote and to be honest maybe not as well and the contrast with the first half is so great it sucks all the life out of the story even Sandra Bullock as Harper lee can’t lift it back up and Daniel Craig as Perry is a particularly bleak performance.

On the whole a more enjoyable film than Capote but just too dark in its second half. I’m not sure the events in Kansas warranted a second film but there’s a lot more mileage in Capote’s life beyond the writing of “In Cold Blood”

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The Simpsons Sisters Invade London

Ashlee Simpson joined the growing list of Z list celebrities who have been drafted in to star in the west end production of Chicago this week. Following in the footsteps of Bonnie Langford, Marti Pellow, The Hoff, and Claire Sweeney. By all accounts Miss Simpson is one of the better Roxie Harts London audiences have had foisted on them and her opening night was something of a mini triumph.


Joining her in the audience was "famous" sister Jessica. Seems Ashlee's happiness at the success of her opening night was not shared by her sister, who reportedly arrived in a foul mood and sulked all evening! (Obviously not enjoying all the attention being paid to her younger prettier sister!) Judging by this picture the grouchy looking Jessica would be ideal for another west end musical role.....in Wicked! As she is one miserable looking witch!

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Liza with a Z - In Person

So it was off to The Vue Cinema inLeicester Square last night for a special screening of the newly remastered Liza with a Z ! The legendary Liza Minnelli concert directed by Bob Fosse, first shown on US television in 1972 and now available on DVD. The film received a rapturous reception and rightly so, it is Liza at her peak and is testament to her colossal talent.

The screening in aid of Crusaid was packed out and the highlight of the evening was the appearance of Liza herself! She introduced the film and then answered questions from an audience almost entirely consisting of delirious queens.

Not only was it great to see Liza up close and in the flesh she was looking pretty good for a woman of 60 held up by two new hips. She was also lucid and far saner than recent reports would have us believe.

Many of the questions verged on the reverential and Rank & Bile resisted the urge to ask about recent rumours about herpes and alcoholism (If slimeball ex husband David Gest is to be believed!) though she was forced to turn down a proposal of marriage, guess there must be limit to the number of gay men even Liza can marry!

Best of all was the news that Liza is planning to do a concert over here next year. She may be an old ham but Rank & Bile will be first in line for tickets!

Do yourself a favour and go get the DVD at:
Rank & Bile Recommends US
Rank & Bile Recommends UK

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Lindsay Lohan Loves Notting Hill - There Goes The Neighborhood

Be afraid be very afraid. Lindsay Lohan is planning to move to London!

She has been house hunting in Notting Hill (well there goes that neighborhood!) Ho-han is quoted in The Daily Mail as saying “I just love Notting Hill it has some really cool shops and great restaurants, I’ve been looking at some properties while I’ve been here and we’re hoping to buy something soon. I can see me and Harry [Morton, her boyfriend] really fitting in there.”

Hmm well I’m not sure about fitting in here given that she was rushed to hospital twice this weekend, with a fractured wrist, this is the 5^th time this year she's been rushed to hospital!

She might bear in mind waiting queues in London hospitals for accident and emergency rooms (ER to those of you over the pond) are about 5 hours minimum!

She might also like to bear in mind if she keeps flashing her gusset to all and sundry, we actually have a law against that kind of thing!

Not that I’m trying to put her off…….honest!

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Simply Barbra - Simply Marvellous

This weekend Lulu and I were lucky enough to catch the wonderful Steven Brinberg at Soho’s Too 2 Much. For those of you haven’t caught Steven’s show Simply Barbra, I urge you to book while you can.

Steven is the foremost Barbra impersonator and his affectionate take on La Streisand is uncannily accurate, in fact close your eyes and it’s Babs herself. Even Marvin Hamlisch and Streisand herself are fans!

Lulu and I have been lucky enough to see the show four times over the years and there are always new songs and bits of business to see each time.

So if you don’t fancy having to rob a bank to buy tickets for the real Streisand at only £17.50, Simply Barbra is a far more reasonable alternative and much more fun.

Simply Barbra is at too 2 Much Thurs Fri and Sat this week. Check the website to book.


Too 2 Much Website
Simply Barbra Website

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You Can Never Be Too Thin....

Madrid's Fashion Week, the Pasarela Cibeles, announced last week it was banning models with a Body Mass Index, or height to weight ratio, below 18.

“The fashion industry's promotion of beauty as meaning stick thin is damaging to young girls' self image and to their health," Culture Secretary Tessa Jowell said Saturday.

The mayor of Milan, Letizia Moratti, has said she will seek a similar ban for Milan Fashion Week -- starting in seven days time -- unless it can find a solution to "sick" looking models.

So how has this weeks London Fashion Week responded? By sending even more mal-nourished, emaciated stick insects down the catwalk. Despite the furore the British Fashion Council, which organizes London's twice-yearly Fashion Week, claimed it didn’t influence designers in their choice of models and that anyway it was too late for replacement models to be found.

Errr this is London every other girl you meet is a model they litter the streets of Hoxton and Shoreditch like emaciated rats, no the problem is many of our top models don’t fit the new healthy criteria and the industry simply doesn’t want to change.

Just look at some of the fashion mavens who run the industry, lets face it Anna (nuclear) Wintour and her ilk are not exactly obese are they? Fashion Week cancelled its opening photo shoot to avoid giving the issue more publicity, but presumably that was only because none of the models involved had a BMI over 18!

Someone better get those gals some pies! Or at this rate they’ll all be out of work!

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Train Rage

Those who know me well know I’m not all that good with Tubes and Trains and wherever possible I stick to my trusty Black Cabs. However it was my Fathers birthday last week, so yesterday I set off (with a rather fetching Hugo Boss tie I’d bought him) for Burnham in Berkshire. I had toyed with the idea of driving but as my car only ever leaves home to visit my Mother at Christmas my driving is rusty to the point of being a hazard. So I ventured forth on the Tube to get a train from Paddington, so far so good. Then it all went drastically wrong.

I arrived at Paddington to find a scene reminiscent of a refugee camp at Darfur, un-daunted, I purchased my ticket then glanced at the departure boards. Horror of horrors every train out of Paddington cancelled! Not even a whiff of an announcement and a queue longer than outside a national health dentist, for the information desk. Finally a tannoy emitting the voice of a person who I swear was gargling at the same time, announces the line to Cardiff and beyond (who knew there was anything past Cardiff?) has been closed due to a fire at Langley. Now having been to Langley, a blemish on the face of Slough, if thats possible, the news that it was ablaze would normally be welcome but not when my train is due to pass through!

The helpful if un-inteligable tannoy announced we should try alternative routes via Waterloo. So I hopped on a tube (mistake number two!) Having filled to the rafters with Paddington refugees I stood in sauna like heat for about 20 minutes with my face jammed into the armpit of a man who obviously hadn’t showered for years. Only to have the announcer tell us the line was now closed due to a defective train ahead! So en masse the refugees got off in search of alternative routes.

Over an hour later I finally arrived at Waterloo, where a sweaty woman with a remarkable resemblance to Margaret Rutherford informed me the journey to Windsor would take 40 minutes. As she was dressed in a hideously unflattering polyester uniform bearing the legend Great (ha!) Western and had an honest face I foolishly believed her! 1hr and 20 mins later I finally reached Windsor having stopped at every damn place in the Home Counties on the way. I arrived at my Fathers nearly 3 hours later a hot dishevelled mess.

After a pleasant visit it was off to the station for the journey home. We approached Slough Station with trepidation to be told the trains were working-ish. Working-ish turned out to be not working at all and after waiting for an hour and a half for a train I finally boarded a packed train for Paddington. I had to stand all the way and my joy at hearing there were no scheduled stops before Paddington was quickly erased by the realisation that due to points failure we were going to crawl all the way to London.

Then to add insult to injury I boarded the Tube for the final leg of my trek home, only for them to announce half way home….yes you guessed it….. due to a defective train! I finally got home after another 3 hour trek thanks to "Great" Western!

It’s time to get my car out of moth balls I think!

So how was your Sunday?

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The Disneyfication Of Soho

Soho has always been, a slightly sordid and grubby oasis of sleaze, nestled amid the pompous gilt edged respectability of London’s West End. That’s how everyone fondly views it and have done for the last 50 + years.

Not if Westminster council get their way. They are determined to prevent it becoming “A yob plagued British Magaluf.” Councillors claim… “One of the City’s most vibrant areas is at risk of losing its character and being taken over by drunks and the dirty mac brigade”

Err I’m sorry I thought that was exactly the area’s character anyway!

The area’s residents are calling for crime, noise and urinating in the street to be addressed as well as the banning of strip clubs, prostitutes , chuggers soliciting charity donations and people holding signs advertising shops or sales.

Hmm in case you hadn’t noticed, Soho Residents, that’s what every borough of London’s inhabitants would like! And let’s face it if you are offended by prostitution, strip joints etc why the hell move to Soho?! Go get your self over to Pimlico or somewhere equally boring!

Presumably the residents and council won’t be happy until the whole of Soho is dominated by Starbucks and Weatherspoon Pubs.

With the disgraceful news of the famous Intrepid Fox Pub, being turned into flats and chain stores encroaching on Soho’s hallowed ground. Jeffrey Bernard wouldn’t just be un-well. He’d be turning in his grave if he could see the attempted sanitization of his beloved Soho.

It strikes me the problem with Soho isn’t the sleaze it’s the prudes who live there. If the Council really want to preserve its character move them out!

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Land Of Hope & Glory

Two events this weekend proved to me how Britain deserves its title Great Britain. First of all I went to the last night of the proms in Hyde Park. The sight of 20 thousand people waiving their flags and singing Land of Hope & Glory was truly moving and at the risk of sounding clichéd made you proud to be British but the thing that truly represented Britain to me this weekend was The Brick Lane Festival.

This annual festival brought out all the local residents and visitors from all over London and every ethnic group was represented in a party like atmosphere

Brick Lane (the next street to mine) is in an area known in London, as Bangla Town, as its home to a huge Bangladeshi community. In former times, it was home to many of London’s Jewish community and before that it housed French Heugenots who came to the East End of London after fleeing France. For me Brick Lane represents what’s truly great about Britain and its people.

Always a refuge and genuine welcome to all, acceptance of different people and cultures and a sense of fair play and equality are the qualities that make Britain Great and truly a Land of Hope and Glory.

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Pete Doherty - There Goes The Neighborhood

It’s bad enough when Madge has her birthday party in the most pretentious bar in the area (Lounge Lover) and gave it her seal of approval. Now they can finally justify the drink prices, which would bankrupt, even, Bill Gates.

Now Pete Doherty is at it, in Fridays Evening’s standard magazine Pete claims he and Kate are fans of The Golden Heart in Spitalfields. Great! Now what was a great watering hole will be overrun by teenagers, drug dealers and supermodel fans hoping to catch up with the dodgy duo. He also lists Nudge records in Hanbury St and the market itself at Spitalfields as favourite shopping haunts.

Interestingly, Pete claims to live in Hackney although at his last court appearance he listed his address as Haggeston and only a month ago in another interview claimed to live in Whitechapel. The boy certainly moves around! Well, I suppose it’s one way to keep the drugs squad on their toes!

More positive news is that I spotted the fantastic, local based, artists Gilbert & George out and about with a tripod and camera yesterday. Which must mean they are working on another of their brilliant projects.

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Madonna - There Goes The Neighborhood

Madonna told 12,000 fans at her Wednesday night concert "I cannot think of a better way to spend my birthday than with you tonight." Ahh bless! Within a couple of hours she obviously had thought of a better way as she arrived for her birthday party in East London!

Good choice Madonna Shoreditch, Brick Lane and Hoxton boast some of London’s best bars and clubs. Not to mention glamorous residents, like yours truly! So what on earth possessed her to have her bash at Lounge Lover off Brick Lane? The place is a palace of kitsch and tackiness. Of all the bars in the area it has to be the worst for affectation, style without substance, and over the top pretentiousness…....Oh. On second thoughts, the perfect venue for Her Madgesty!

She didn’t exactly manage a huge cast of A list either, with Tracy Emmin, (who lives 2 minutes away) Gwyneth (yawn! Is she the dullest woman alive?) Jamie Oliver (maybe he was doing the catering?) and Kevin Spacey most of whom would gladly go to the opening of an envelope. In the meantime the areas worst Bar will now get a huge publicity rush from this and probably hike up prices, although you already need a second mortgage to get a drink there!

Next year Madge save your pennies and just pop round to mine! The décor is better and the drinks are much cheaper!

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