Some of what I'm reading this Month

Katharine the Great: A Lifetime of Secrets Revealed... (1907-1950)
By Darwin Porter
Darwin Porter’s Hepburn biography Katharine the Great is subtitled A lifetime of secrets revealed. Well that’s not strictly true actually it’s half a lifetime of secrets revealed as despite running to a lengthy 500+ pages it still only charts Hepburn’s life up to 1950. The second instalment is due later and if its anything like as juicy as the first part I can’t wait.

I like to think I know most of “old” Hollywood’s gossip and rumours but Darwin Porter reveals stories and liaisons I had never heard of. Hepburn’s relationships with amongst others Claudette Colbert, Judy Garland, and Marlene Dietrich, which were just rumours, are given real depth and substance, whilst the long held myth that her one true love was Spencer Tracy, is blown apart, in fact he had a penchant for younger men.

Whilst some of the book is obviously just gossip, it’s the first time anyone has come close to an all round honest portrait of Hepburn. Something her heavily edited and sugar sweet autobiography never did. Do I believe all of it? No. But then Did I believe any of her autobiography? No. The truth probably lies somewhere in between and in the meantime while we try and guess the truth, Porter’s book is certainly the most entertaining read of the lot.
If you want a good gossipy read this is the one for you.
**** Stars
Buy Katharine the Great: A Lifetime of Secrets at Amazon

All American Boy
By William J. Mann
William J Mann is one of my favourite authors I absolutely loved his biography of Billy Haines (Wisecracker) and his non fiction work Behind the Screen, about the lives of gay Hollywood pioneers. I also am a fan of his fiction in particular his novels Midnight in Savanah and The Biograph Girl. Which the author himself has informed me has been optioned for a film. So I was really looking forward to his new novel All American Boy. I have to say I was disappointed though beautifully written and thought provoking I just didn’t warm to the characters in particular the “hero” Wally Day.

The themes of the book, confronting our fears and facing our past to move forward were well handled and the premise that Wally though only 14 when he entered into a relationship with an older man was, in a way, the abuser rather than the abused was an interesting part of the story but with such un-likeable characters and somewhat implausible sub plots the book made somewhat heavy going. A shame as I’m normally such a fan.

Interestingly William is about to publish his own biography of Katherine Hepburn. I look forward to comparing the two.
** Stars
Buy All American Boy at Amazon

Son of a Witch: A Novel
By Gregory Maguire
Those of you who read my review of Wicked by Gregory Maguire will know how much I loved it so I approached the sequel, Son of a Witch with some trepidation as all too often second novels can be a huge disappointment. I needn’t have worried; Maguire has once again woven magic out of the hackneyed story of Oz and turned in a gem. Whilst the wicked witch is dead he son continues on from where she left off and pleasingly leaves enough un answered questions to ensure a third novel as well.

Brilliant stuff. Highly recommended.
**** Stars
Buy Son of a Witch: A Novel at Amazon

* Star-Dont put this book down, throw it as hard as you can out of the nearest window.
** Stars-Yawn.... bit of a dud
*** Stars-Not bad, but no masterpiece
**** Stars-A Ripping yarn definately worth killing a few hours with
***** Stars-Couldnt put it down! an instant classic

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Car Crash of The Month - Naomi Campbell

Kidnapping And Battery - A day In The Life Of Naomi Campbell! Yes Campbell is in the soup again, as yet another ex-employee sues her. Amanda Brack, of Fort Lauderdale, accused Campbell of assault, battery, false imprisonment and infliction of emotional distress! Wow! False imprisonment that’s a new one for Naomi!

The two met in Paris in a nightclub ladies' room where Campbell was upset about a "costume malfunction."? He said Brack helped and impressed the model, who then asked Brack to work for her. Brack's lawsuit says, "Shortly after being hired, defendant Campbell initiated a series of verbal and physical and emotional attacks against (Brack) such that plaintiff suffered both physical and emotional injuries."

McCarthy said Campbell assaulted his client in several incidents that occurred in 2005 in Brazil, Morocco and in Campbell's apartment in Manhattan. Way to go Naomi! Abuse on 3 continents. She must be out of jewel encrusted blackberrys (Naomi’s weapon of choice) by now!



This isn't the first time Naomi has battered the hired help, back in April she was led away in handcuffs (and a fetching white poncho) as another employee accused her of hurling her phone at her and there have been two other law suits from disgruntled ex-employees all alledging Miss Campbell's violent streak. How long before the supermodel ends up behind bars?



Good grief! Who does she think she is? You'd think coming from lowly beginings in Streatham she'd have had alittle more empathy with her maids? After all there but for the grace of God and some good genes.....

Someone get this girl some anger management counselling!


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Mischa Barton Learns To Act - Finally!

Britsh born Mischa Barton, the stunning but dumb as a box of hair, star of The O.C. has just enrolled for acting lessons at London’s R.A.D.A. ( see picture of her arriving for her first day) Mischa who has just finished filming in London, was advised to go there by her London director Sir Richard Attenborough…Hmm I wonder why?

Maybe Mischa wasn't holding her own against heavyweight co-stars ShirleyMacLaine and Pete Posthlewaite?

What a shame she didn’t enrol before she joined the O.C she might have spared us that cringe making death scene that recently ended the last season!

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Tabloid Hypocrisy At Diana Death Pics

Well the British press have themselves in a tizz about Italian Magazine Chi which has published a picture of Diana at her death scene. William and Harry have been dragged out to make a statement condemning the picture and the tabloids continue to froth at the mouth.

I have to say I think it’s a bit rich The Sun whilst condemning the picture chose to re print it with just Diana’s face obscured if that isn’t titillation I don’t know what is! I also have to say having seen the picture it’s fairly innocuous. I have seen other pictures from the scene which are far more grisly and shocking and whether we like it or not our natural instinct and curiosity is to want to see even if you are appalled at the pictures themselves or our own morbid fascination.

I can understand the family’s anger but not the posturing of the tabloids who have made money out of the memory of Diana ever since her death and no doubt this little news item will sell a whole load more papers as well. Incidentally the picture has been available to view on the find a death website for a very long time and were also shown by TV company CBS in America but nobody created a stir about that?

View the offending picture if you wish at Towlerroad

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Superman To Bare All?

Brandon Routh the sexy star of the new Superman returns movie has been offered a cool $500,000 to strip for Playgirl. Woof! Let’s hope he accepts! Hell if he doesn’t we’ll all have a whip round and raise some more!
Although I have to say whilst he set the screen on fire in the movie I have yet to see any decent pictures of the guy off screen?

Is it true he was digitally enhanced for the film? Who knows but most of the pictures I’ve seen he’s definitely more Clark Kent than Superman. According to rumours he was definitely digitally reduced though, as apparently Mr Routh is packing a Superman sized package which Warner Bros brass thought might distract people from the plot! Let’s just hope he looks as good in playgirl as he did on screen and that all those digital reduction rumours are true!


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Judy Garland - A Podcast Star Is Born!

She may have passed on to the great concert hall in the sky but Judy garland is alive and well and Podcasting!

It seems Rufus Wainwright isn’t the only one channelling Judy garland at the moment.

Podacster BillyBoy a 24 yr old hottie from the US brings us his fantastic “The Entertainment Beat with Frances Gumm” The Podcasts are an irreverant take on Judy as she and her guests discuss current hot topics and even get to sing some of the songs she never got to record like Enough Is Enough! This time rather than Donna and Barbra its Judy and Carol Channing! Judy is in fine form considering she’s been dead since 1969! and funny as ever. There are special guests galore including Bernadette Peters, Patti Lu Pone, Katherine Hepburn and Madonna.

Having debuted in mid December, the show already boasts 6,500-plus subscribers because, as “Garland” herself quips on one recent podcast, “it’s more fun than an afternoon in Lana Turner’s sweater.” Catch the podacsts or go to BillyBoy’s blog and download all the episodes there.

Demented genius!

The Entertainment Beat with Frances Gumm

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June Allyson - Dependable Star

MGM once boasted more stars than there are in heaven well last week one of its brightest stars finally went out when Miss June Allyson died aged 88.

Despite the somewhat alarming ads for incontinence pads (Depends) her bout of alcoholism and a career that ended in the usual MGM glamour girl graveyard of guest spots on Hart to Hart, The Love Boat and Murder She Wrote.

June Allyson still remained America’s sweetheart and Perfect Wife right till the end.

Nothing changed her image in America’s eyes in much the same way that June herself never changed her hairstyle in 50 years!

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Rank & Bile Has Been Reduced!

Inspired by the recent dramatic weight loss of Janet Jackson and not wishing to stoop to the levels of mad old Mariah Scarey, who recently appeared in public with a perfect six pack drawn onto her stomach! I have just returned from the clinic after a brush with the surgeon's vacuum!

Yes Rank & Bile has been reduced!

Lordy! but you were so slim and gorgeous before I hear you cry? Ok maybe not!

Well needs must when your hurtling towards 40 and reachingMonserrat Caballe proportions and as Joan Rivers says " I dont exercise. If God had meant me to bend over he'd have put diamonds on the floor" and having exhausted every fad diet known to man, with the exception of the Kate Moss Class A plan, it only left one option. Hippo Suction!

And here is the offending fat to prove it - 2 litres of the darn stuff to be precise! (Those of a nervous disposition should look away now if they ever want to be able to drink a smoothie again!)

A word of caution dear readers:
Firstly, when they tell you the pain is minimal, its a lie! I feel like I've been kicked by a horse! The mystery of Shergar is finally solved, He's alive and well and working in a clinic in Brussels! Only one of Naomi Campbell's maids could be more bruised and battered!
Secondly, the words "you may experience some wound leakage" are a severe understatement. Despite my friend Mike's best efforts, using all available towels. I left a hotel room in Brussels looking like the Texas Chainsaw Massacre. We left the hotel with the screams of an unsuspecting maid ringing in our ears.

So was it worth it ? I'll let you know in 4 weeks when the swelling has subsided and I can take of the Rocky Horror girdle I have to wear till then!

Looking Fabulous is never easy!

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The Wonders Of Photoshop!

A while ago we reported on the horror that was Madonna’s Gnarly Old Hands.
Well it seems that her Madgesty obviously applled by the pictures published here at Rank & Bile, has had a little work done, if only digitally, to enhance her emaciated claws.

As her recent shoot for (those purveyors of cheap tat) H&M, shows!

Don’t you just love Photoshop?

Picture courtesy of the fabulous DListed

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Culture Queen-The National Portrait Gallery McBean Exhibition

On Monday it was off to The National Portrait Gallery to see what is astonishingly, the first museum retrospective devoted to Angus McBean (1904-90), one of the most significant British photographers of the twentieth century.

Following on from the success of last years Beaton exhibition this dazzling array of more than 100 works by McBean are a real treasure trove.

From his surrealist portraits of the 30’s to his long stint as theatre portraitist supreme and on to his come-back, as a photographer of 1960’s pop idols. Mcbean kept up a furious pace and went on to be re-discovered by yet another generation during his second come-back in the heady days of the 1980’s.

The photographs themselves range from Marlene Dietrich to Rum DMC and include major figures from dance theatre and film as well as his now famous work with Pop Idols, The Beatles, Shirley Bassey and Cliff Richard. Unlike Beaton whose society portraits were formulaic at best Mc Bean shows a verve and wit which remained undiminished throughout his long and prolific career.

If you have the chance, get yourself down to The National Portrait Gallery and see the work of one of the 20th Centuries great eccentrics and true geniuses.

Angus McBean: Portraits5 July - 22 October 2006


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You Were Never Fuglier - Chaka Khan

Poor old Chaka she seems never to have had dress sense or a stylist but this really takes the biscuit! Chaka once sang she was every woman and it looks like its true and all of them are trapped under that outfit! I mean Chain mail for goodness sake?!

What exactly was the look she was trying to achieve here?
S & M Bag Lady? Gothic Fairy? Pensionable Dominatrix? Who knows but its hideous!

Ray Charles could have picked out a better outfit!

Do us all a favour and get a stylist and a hair cut for gods sake!


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Pantie-less Paris Again!

Oh no not again! For gods sake Paris put that tired old pussy away and buy some knickers!

This isn't the first time that Parasite Hilton has got her gusset out for all to see and frankly its not pretty!

Click here for the un-censored version if you dare!

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Kiki & Herb - The Comeback!

The cabaret terrorists are back!

Despite their sell out farewell tour at Carnegie Hall, Kiki and Herb (The fabulous Justin Bond & Kenny Mellman) are back out of retirement , this time on Broadway, for a limited run. The irony is Kiki is supposed to be a washed up cabaret chanteuse who's audience has long since deserted her but in reality she can sell out Carnegie Hall. Whilst I'm really pleased by Kiki & Herb's success they are in danger of losing their cabaret terrorist reputation and becoming main-stream.

I've been lucky enough to catch them many times but theres no doubt they work best in a small venue, as opposed to somewhere like the Helen Hayes Theatre where they are due to perform in August.

Justin may be keen to put his alter ego Kiki aside but it seems the fans are having none of it!

Lets hope they drag their fabulous asses back over to London real soon! Their last christmas show at the Queen Elizabeth Hall was the highlight of the festive season in London and they are still the best act around.

Buy Kiki & Herb Will Die for You (The Farewell Tour, Live at Carnegie Hall) at Amazon

Click here for Kiki and Herb's website

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Necrophiliacs Rejoice!

At the grand old age of 71, Italian institution, Sophia Loren is to become a Pirelli Calender girl!

Pirelli announced the news this week and released this picture from the shoot. Loren will be by far, the oldest Pirelli model to have graced the famous calender.

Loren said of the shoot "You have to be firm about it when you make up your mind to do something you like and you've been thinking about doing for a long time," Let's just hope her body is still as firm as her resolve!

The Italian bombshell who is looking remarkably well preserved for her age puts her enduring good looks down to one thing .... Spaghetti!

Hmmm I'm presuming thats Dr Spahetti her surgeon!


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You Tube Favourites - Rock Hudson & Bea Arthur

You Tube is a bloggers dream especially when you can't be bothered to post much! Normally I only post my own You Tube videos but as there are some gems on there I thought I'd post my favourite each month.

This months is a classic piece of random and very camp TV from the 70's and features Bea Arthur and Rock Hudson singing about class A drugs! No really it does! Play it and see! Lord knows how this got past the censors, who ever thought they would hear Rock and Bea singing about coke and poppers! Enjoy!



Thanks to You Tube user Lamp2av for posting this and sending it to me.

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Screen Queen-Some of what I'm watching this Month

Superman Returns

A huge thank you to Lulu and Warner Bros for the preview tickets to Superman Returns. I have to say this isn't my usual type of film and I went along expecting to be bored silly but to my surprise the film is fantastic. Although at 154 minutes a trifle too long.

I wont give away the plot as it's not on release untill Friday! What I will tell you is that Brandon Routh is fantastic and quite by far the dishiest Superman ever, even young Tom Welling looks plain beside this guy. He also has the most perfect eyes and the most gorgeous lashes in fact he is far prettier than kate Bosworth who looked far too young and plain to play Lois Lane. Theres also a great (but far too short) cameo from Eva Marie saint, one of my favourite actresses and there's even an appearance by Marlon Brando!

I also have to say the special effects are superb especially in the aeroplane scene at the start of the film.

All in all a really enjoyable and much better than I expected. Welcome back Superman!

**** Stars

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EuroPride

A friend of mine, well I say friend, we’ve swapped saliva and text messages occasionally so as good as, remarked that I haven’t posted anything on Europride. Well truth be told, I didn’t because I was somewhat under whelmed by the whole thing but here goes anyway.

Mid afternoon I trudged down past Trafalgar Square in blistering heat to catch the tail end of the parade. All the usual suspects had dragged (and I mean that literally!) themselves up from the Home Counties and were blowing their whistles and waiving their placards like their lives depended on it. You know the usual Pride routine!

I then ambled past the legions of football hooligans into Trafalgar Square which was filled with people wandering aimlessly about waiting for the rally to start, so I toddled over to Leicester sq which was full of people wandering aimlessly about waiting for the for the cabaret to start. Undeterred I ventured on to Soho Sq where guess what….

The whole thing seemed very spread out this year and after watching a few friends, a few of whom were old enough to know better, dancing away in a sea of muscle marys and roasting to death in the sun, on the corner of Greek St . I ventured back to Leicester Sq (by way of a two mile queue for the portaloos. I swear some of those people are still in the queue!) for the Cabaret Stage. Caught the end of Sandra’s routine which was very funny!

Then a friend and I (Gareth) grabbed a drink in the quieter Crescent bar in the square only to be accosted by Z list celebrities (Michelle Collins and one of the Queer Eye guys to be precise) informing us we had lost the football! Somewhat dejected I wandered back to the cabaret stage for the ever brilliant, Dame Edna Experience.

Was just leaving Leicester Sq after everything fizzled out at 7.45pm. When an elderly chap in lycra (ewww) accosted me with the lament that Pride wasn’t what it used to be was it? It’s not like the old days he whined. For a moment I was tempted to pretend I was far too young to remember back that far but given it’s been 3 months since my last lot of Botox I thought I was pushing my luck with that line!

So I nodded in agreement, but then it dawned on me. Has it ever been that good really? Or am I just old and bitter?

No it’s not me! In fact, the last time I remember having a really good laugh at pride was in the early 80’s when a downpour of rain nearly drenched the Beverley Sisters who were then almost electrocuted when the amps on stage got wet!

Ahh the good old days! 10 yrs in a row of Hazel Dean still Searching and Kym Mazelle ballooning to the size of the Hindenburg and entire afternoons lost in over sweaty dance tents! Ahh yes good old days!

So how did I end my pride? In a sweaty drug fuelled night of clubbing?
No a few pints in Comptons (not my usual watering hole but its any pub in a storm in Old Compton St, post pride) and then over to The Joiners Arms and in bed by 2am!

I think its time to hang up my whistle and leave Pride and all its fake tan and sequins to the youngsters!

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Tacky Tori Starts Dynasty War

In a story worthy of one of his legendary soaps, the family of über producer Aaron Spelling are at war.

Just two days after her father’s death, Tori spelling made some pretty gross accusations in Us Magazine. Amongst other things, spoilt brat Tori alleges her mother, Candy (present wrapping room) Spelling, was unfaithful and didn’t bother to tell her, her father had died. Tori claims a friend sent her a text message after seeing the news report of Aaron’s demise.

Not one to take things lying down Candy released statement saying "As we try to honour his memory with love and respect, the sudden media frenzy she has created at this sensitive time is hurtful and very disturbing," and accused Tori of tainting her father’s Legacy.



Hmm I feel a dis-inheritance coming on that interview could end up costing Tori a Carrington like fortune!

Expect Team Tori and Team Candy T shirts some time soon, as this one, like all Spelling productions looks set to run and run!




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Anderson Cooper

The I Definately Would Hunk Of The Month

I don’t know about you, but I’m a sucker for a dishy man with prematurely grey hair and this month’s hunk is certainly dishy!

The man's got it all good looks, a great mind and even better he’s rich as Midas as his mother is the one and only Gloria Vanderbilt!


In fact the only thing not perfect about Mr Cooper is his 25 yr old boy friend, Julio Cesar Recio (drat! I knew there was a catch somewhere!).

Oh well married or not doesn’t stop everyone drooling over Anderson.

News was never so hot!




Picture from Vanity Fair of Anderson with his legendary mother Gloria Vanderbilt. Wow! if I can’t have Anderson I'll settle for the name of his mothers surgeon! She’s 82 and still looks hot!

Click for larger image

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Coke Fuelled Kate

Party girl Kate Moss has been painting the town red. The seemingly tireless Supermodel was one of the last to leave Elton john’s White Tie and Tiara Ball in the early hours of the morning and was enjoying the champagne so much they couldn’t prise the glass out of her hands, even after she got in her car to go home!


Then the paparazzi actually fell asleep waiting so long for the supermodel to leave another party late the following morning.

How does Kate have so much energy and manage to leave everyone else for dead?

Apparently she claims “when I ‘m that sleepy I move onto coke……….the caffeine does wonder for my energy levels”!



Hmm well the first part certainly rings true!




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Mariah Madness - Miss Scarey Strikes Again

Just when we thought Mariah Carey was starting to get more normal (ho’ish dress sense aside) She goes and gets hit by the loony stick again. Latest Scarey, Carey story is her new whacky diet.
Now it seems The Diva will only eat purple foods 3 days each week!

This apparently, is supposed to ward off wrinkles and stop you ageing!? Her publicist quickly added, in attempt to make Carey, not sound totally in-sane.

Well I can see it would help you lose weight, after all, try putting together a meal with just purple food, the options are pretty limited.

Although judging by Miss Carey’s yo-yo-ing weight she’s obviously including Purple Jolly Ranchers and Smarties in her new food group!

Right well I’m off to buy some plums and aubergines, Hey! if it works it’s a hell of a lot cheaper than Botox!

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Ostrich-ised By Hollywood

Oh Lordy! Yet another Celebrity has been ostrich-ised by Hollywood.

Poor little Kate Bosworth ( who used to be so pretty!) has been added to our feed a starving celebrity campaign after appearing on the red carpet with an emaciated 20 inch waist.

Do they really think looking like a big bird is appealing?

For goodness sake! Eat something bitches!









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Chandelier Attacks Celebrity

David Hasslehoff takes the Rank & Bile award for campest accident of the year.

The former Baywatch "star" and German singing sensation (they don't get out much in Germany!) had a tendon in his right arm severed by a shard of glass, after colliding with a Chandelier at The Sanderson Hotel.

How random is that?

Luckily "The Hoff" wasnt too badly hurt and was released later from hospitable, presumably in time to consult with his lawyers!

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