Bobble Heads With Bobs Enough Already!

Lordy! Did we miss the e mail proclaiming Posh is a trendsetter? Ever since the skinny cow cut her extensions off everyone has gone bob crazy!

Now I’m sorry but the last person who could carry off a Bob was Lousie Brooks in the 1920’s but has that stopped a whole rash of celebrities from rushing like lemmings to get bobbed? Hell no!

Thank god most of the have the sense to work it as a wig so as soon as they actually realise how dumb it looks they can go back to a decent weave/style/ extensions.

Janet, Gwen, Madge and co stop it at once!

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Madge's Marriage In Trouble?

Now that Madonna has grudgingly accepted that she will be monitored by several human rights group to ascertain her suitability to adopt her new accessory from Malawi, things seemed to have settled down at the Ritchie household but according to one UK Paper, Guy and Esther’s marriage is on the rocks after all the strain of Madge’s Malawian baby snatch. UK paper The People claims:

"The marriage is near rock-bottom. They've been putting on a united front in public but behind closed doors their marriage has come under strain. The publicity surrounding the adoption has created a difficult atmosphere in their home. After a heart-to-heart they decided to seek the help of a marriage guidance specialist."

No surprise there then! The only surprise is that Guy has managed to last past six months with that dominating demented diva. Maybe if Madge isn’t happy she should just go and buy a new husband to go with the new baby she just bought.

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Seperated At Birth - Janet Jackson & Victoria Beckham

Good grief I know Posh keeps telling us she’s a style icon and fashion maven but it seems some misguided fools actually believe her….Janet Jackson for one! Who turned up at the Billboard Music Awards sporting a decidedly Posh look and Emaciated Spice’s hair.

Janet’s never been one for style in fact her whole career seems to have been one big long wardrobe malfunction but really if you have to copy someone at least choose someone who doesn’t look like a Pez dispenser!

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Lindsay Lohan Admits She Has Drinking Problem - Who Knew?

Lindsay Lohan’s rep and her mother have confirmed the rumours about the starlet attending AA meetings are true. Hardly a surprise when we keep seeing pictures of her staggering out of clubs looking like shit and she crashes her car every other day!

Dina Lohan said it was a "positive" step for the 20-year-old, who earlier this year was blasted by a movie boss for turning up late for work, or not at all. Her rep went on to say "She's been attending some meetings and it's going to be a slow process.”This is a positive."

Hmm I guess they didn’t have much choice about making the announcement after Lohan herself admitted she had a problem, at this week's, GQ Man Of The Year Awards, when she told a reporter that she overdosed in mid-November. Going on to explain that she had been partying ("of course I'm going to drink") and a doctor was called, but the story was exaggerated. She said she was no "Marilyn Monroe overdosing in the bathroom."

Hmm well you got that right Lindsay you are definitely no Marilyn Monroe. Marilyn may have overdosed but the similarities end there. Monroe was actually a talented actress at the height of her fame and popularity rather than a C list drunk with a couple of lousy films under her belt. I’m sure no one ever had to ask of Marilyn, What exactly is she famous for? Either.

Seems Lohan couldn’t keep her mouth shut at the GQ awards she told another reporter that recent pictures of her with Britney Spears were less about friendship and more about “a photo-op…”were not friends. You know how it is” she shrugged. Lordy! Where’s her publicist when she needs her?

Hmm little tip Lindsay, if your publicity people help you to get some great front page coverage by setting up a photo-op with you and Britney as new best friends, probably best not to go telling the press that it’s just a set up!

The funny thing is, according to reports Ho Han was guzzling Champagne at the GQ awards, so either AA isn’t going so well or it’s yet another publicity Stunt!

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You Were Never Fuglier - Meg Ryan

Looks like Meg Ryan has joined the growing list of actresses who've reached a certain age and have a surgeon on speed dial and in this case someone needs to prize the phone from her hand!

Poor Old Meg who was oh so pretty once, now sports one of the worst trout pouts in Hollywood (even worse than Melanie griffith!) and whilst the bottom of her face is dropping faster than Britney's panties the top has been botoxed into oblivion.

Star Magazine published these pictures which show just how bad her descent into surgery madness has become and it's not pretty!

It wouldn't hurt if she invested in a decent haircut and a comb either. So come on Meg lay off the collagen and botox and get yourself a stylist. You look like a startled hamster!

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Britney & Her Beaver Nearly Crash The Internet - Enough Already!

Britney Spears has had a quite a week, she's stumbled from club to club every night in a drunken stupor airing her bits along the way for all to see, with new BFF Paris Hilton in tow and even on one occasion with Lindsay Ho Han tagging along too.

Not only did this give paps the pics of a lifetime as they managed to catch all three of the holy trinity of skanks together

Its also done wonders for websites around the world as millions have gone trawling the net for pics of Britney’s nether regions.

Even Rank & Bile saw its normally sedate 200ish page views jump to over 700 as people scoured its pages for Britney’s bits! Perez Hilton’s site saw his hits top the 3 million mark and at one point it looked like Britney’s beaver might actually bring the whole bloody internet crashing down!

So why are Britney and Paris so inseperable? Surely Paris isn’t trying to get extra publicity? (Have you noticed Paris looks quite together in all the pics while Britney is a sodden pantie-less mess) No apparently Little Miss Trailer Trash rep says that “Britney really looks up to older Paris” The trouble is she’s looking up at Paris from a gutter she fell in drunk, with her her skirt up and her panties off for all the paparazzi to see.

So Britney enough is enough! Put it away now, whilst everyone applauded your decision to offload K Fed it’s all starting to look a little sad now.

We don’t need to see The Princess of Pop with her gusset out and drunk in a gutter every night. While Paris Hilton looks on and soaks up the attention.
Pull yourself together and buy some bloody panties, you’re a mother of two for goodness sake and stop inflicting Parasite Hilton on your poor kids!

Click here to see the uncensored pics (not for the fainthearted!)

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Rank & Bile At The Theatre - Love Song Starring Cillian Murphy

Wednesday night Mike and I went to see Love Song a new play by John Kolvenbach at the New Ambassadors Theatre.

The play stars Neve Campbell, Cillian Murphy, Kristen Johnston and Michael McKean. I have to say I went with some trepidation having been completely under whelmed by Miss Campbell once before when she gave an extremely lacklustre and in audible performance in Resurrection Blues (directed by the late Robert Altman) at The Old Vic. At the performance I saw she was incapable of projecting past the second row and as a result I couldn’t tell you whether she was any good or not, as I didn’t hear a single word of her performance!

I’m pleased to say Miss Campbell has learned a little stage craft since then and was not only audible but actually quite competent. As for the rest of the cast, the evening belonged to Cillian Murphy and Kristen Johnston who gave two great performances, Murphy as the brooding and darkly insane Beane was mesmerising and perfectly off set by Johnston as his brash and funny sister.

Campbell and McKean gave adequate support in what turned out to be a reasonably good and darkly comic play that at times had flashes of brilliance though lagged somewhat in the middle, although it was certainly well received by the packed house. Not the best thing I’ve seen lately, in the West End but by no means the worst either.

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Rounds Three And Four In Bobble Head War!

It seems the Nicole Richie Vs Rachel Zoe feud is still going strong! Following the last salvo from Rachel Zoe across Nicole Richie's bows . Miss Richie responded with the following blind item on her myspace page:

What 35 year old raisin face whispers her order of 3 peices of asparagus for dinner at Chateau everynight, and hides her deathly disorder by pointing the finger at me, and used her last paycheck I wrote her to pay for a publicist instead of a nutritionist? HINT: Her nickname is lettucecup...

Who knew Nicole had a sense of humour and such a bitchy streak? She just soared in our estimation!
Meanwhile over at camp Zoe there was a feeble attempt to rise above it with a somewhat turgid statement from Rachel to TMZ:

"There has been a lot of speculation as to the cause of my parting with client Nicole Richie. The tabloid reports have no merit. After trying to be a good friend to Nicole, we made a mutual decision to sever our working relationship. Changes are inevitable in any business relationship. I am very fortunate to have such a wonderful life, I have been married for 10 years and have been a stylist for more than 15 years and am lucky to work with such a diverse group of women of all shapes and sizes that inspire me everyday. I have nothing but love for Nicole and wish her only health and happiness."

You so know she doesn't mean a word of that! Oh goody this one looks set to run and run!

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Rachel Zoe Hell Hath No Fury Like A Stylist Scorned

Rachel Zoe may have been sacked by Nicole Richie as her dealer stylist but the bobble headed fashion maven is not taking it lying down.

Rachel was fuming when Nicole leaked news of her sacking to “Us Weekly” claiming she had ditched Rachel as she wanted to “surround herself with positive people and influences," and “didn't trust Rachel anymore."

Rachel has hit back with her own camp leaking to The NY Post’s Page Six the news that: "Rachel was acting as a concerned friend and voiced her concerns to Nicole about her lifestyle, and Nicole didn't want to hear it."

Hmm what can Rachel be insinuating? Over to you Miss Richie!

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Paris & Britney The Car Crash Continues

Britney and Paris are still joined at the hip it appears, with Britney staying over at Paris house and hitting the town with her almost nightly, on half dressed, drunken escapades and now it seems Britney is picking up some of Paris worst habits, as well as getting blind drunk and appearing in public half naked, she seems to have adopted Paris and Lindsay Ho Han’s habit of partying without panties as recent pictures from one of their nights out show.

(click here for uncensored version if you dare!)

As well as using Paris for publicity purposes (or is it the other way round?) Britney has now dragged poor little Sean Preston Federline, her one year old son, into the publicity fray with all three of them giving the publicity hungry paparazzi, perfect photo ops.

Hmm I’m actually starting to wonder if her ex husbands accusations don’t have a ring of truth about them and if she wasn’t actually better of with K Fed! Sort it out Britney!

There’s no point dumping one loser if you are going to go and take up with another one straight away!

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Poshes Pipe Cleaners Top Worst Legs poll

Victoria Beckham has been given top spot in a poll on celebrity legs and no it wasn't legs that look most likely to snap! In fact Posh was voted worst show biz legs in the poll by Lambrini.

Close behind Emaciated Spice at number two was fellow twig like celebrity Nicole Richie. The list also included her Madgesty and Terri Hatcher.

Seems the folks at Lambrini like a little more meat on the bone. Time to pile on a few pounds girls or at least do us all a favour and invest in some slacks!

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You Tube Favourite - Ann Miller Commercial

You Tube is a bloggers dream especially when you can't be bothered to post much! There are some real gems on there so I thought I'd post my favourite each month. This months favourite is a clip of the fabulous Ann Miller in a commercial she did for Campbell's Soup in the 1970's and written and directed by Busby Berkley no less. Watch her tap up a storm without a single hair moving on her trademark coiffure!



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The Imelda Collection - We Love It

Last month in our post "Designer Dictator" we reported on the return of the irrepressible Imelda Marcos with her new jewelery collection named modestly, "The Imelda Collection"

Well Somebody decided to put up a website to help her flog her tat, check it out, camp doesn't even begin to describe it! Link: The Imelda Collection

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Paris Supporting Britney In Messy Divorce Saga - God Help Her

The love fest that is Britney and Paris shows no sign of ending any time soon, just lately the two have become as inseparable as Britney and her Marlboros but it seems to be having a terrible effect on Britney’s hair which is starting to look like a matted dog.

Meanwhile severe bed head may not be Britney’s only problem as her ex loser husband K Fed is causing trouble again. Britney may have sidestepped his sex tape threats by vowing to release the tape before he can but now the waste of space is threatening to tell all in a book.

K fed claims he has the dirt on Britney and will put it all on paper amongst the allegations he will allegedly reveal are that Britney is;

Bisexual and begged K fed for threesomes with other women.

Had numerous crushes on other women.

And also that the much reported mis haps with her son earlier this year are just the tip of the iceberg and that Britney is an unfit mother who often endangered the boy’s life.

As if that wasn’t enough it appears producers of Britain’s Celebrity Big Brother have approached him to appear in the next season which will give him the perfect platform to bash Princess Whitetrash from.

Looks like the McCartney’s have nothing on this pair! Talking of the McCartney divorce…..

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Hopalong McCartney Is Whining Again

Heather Hopalong McCartney has said she splitting from Paul has been a nightmare and the whole experience has been worse than losing her leg!

She also claims she’d rather lose the other leg than go through it all again. Hmmm I’m sure Paul would be happy to oblige! Let’s see her go running to the press with her lies and accusations then!

Memo to Heather: You should have thought of that before you started mud slinging you gold digging bitch!

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Screen Queen-Some of what I'm Watching This Month

The Island

Starring: Ewan McGregor, Scarlett Johansson
Director: Michael Bay

What a load of tosh. I am amazed Scarlett Johanssen and Ewan Macgregor let themselves get anywhere near this appalling bit of sci fi nonsense. Once you got past the almost, clever twist and premise for the story, which was obvious long before the director gave the audience credit for. The whole thing just turned into a rather bad re-make of Logan’s Run. Although Organs Run might be more appropriate as the plot entailed Ewan and Scarlett as clones bred as organ donors for their rich doppelgangers only to escape from a lab and go in search of their “originals”. What is it with Hollywood films set in the future and this assumption that we will all be wearing white jump suits? I’m sorry white is not a good colour to pull off and is totally impractical whatever century you happen to have landed in!

Formulaic nonsense for boys, with chase scenes and lots of explosions….yawn!

Mistress Of Spices

Starring: Aishwarya Rai
Director: Gurinder Chadha

Why can’t someone give Ishwarya Rai a decent English Language part? The Queen of Hollywood’s follow up to the dreary Bride and Prejudice is an equally dull adaptation of Chitra Banerjee Divakaruni’s novel of the same name. The story about a San Franciscan shopkeeper who sells spices and uses their power to influence the lives of her customers with a somewhat predictable love story as its subplot.

Aishwaya is badly shot and totally wasted in the central role opposite a hopelessly mis-cast Dylan McDermott and whilst the book created an exotic world of mystery and dreams the film is a formulaic clunky love story.

For goodness sake when will Hollywood wake up to Rai’s potential apart from being one of the most beautiful women in the world she’ also an excellent actresses and is not likely to ever make it in Hollywood if continually cast in this kind of dirge. If she has any chance shell get back to Bollywood as soon as possible at least there, they know how to capitalise oh her talents and give her the kind of starring roles that she deserves.

That Man: Peter Berlin

Starring: Peter Berlin, Robert Boulanger
Director: Jim Tushinski

Fascinating documentary about iconic 70’s porn star photographer and model Peter Berlin who despite only having made 2/3 films managed to create a persona and image so strong that he remains a gay icon and symbol of the 70’s to this day. You may not know his name but the image he created is almost as recognisable as that of Warhol screen prints or studio 54 in defining the 1970’s and it’s influence can be seen in the work of people as diverse as Tom of Finland, John Paul Gaultier, Pierre et Gilles and The Village People. As well as interviews with contemporaries the documentary is built around extensive interviews with the man himself who despite his now advanced years is still striking and even more interesting than the personae he created.

Highly recommended for anyone who remembers this iconic man and the indelible image he created.

See Rank & Bile's DVD recommendations at:
Rank & Bile US Picks Rank & Bile UK Picks

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R.I.P. Roberrt Altman

Film Director Robert Altman, has died in a hospital in Los Angeles, California. He was 81 years old. A late bloomer, Altman was a middle-aged TV director when he had his first hit with MASH, since then he has directed classics like McCabe and Mrs Miller, Nashville, The Player, Short Cuts and Gosford Park. His lastt film was A Prairie Home Companion and featured Lindsay Lohan which may well have hastened his demise!

Last year I caught his theatre directing debut with Arthur Miller's Resurrection Blues at London's Old Vic. I wasn’t impressed but then Altman was a very uneven director. Veering from superb to dismal but when at his best he was a genius and he will be sorely missed.

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Josh Hartnett

The I Definitely Would Hunk Of The Month

From the moment we laid eyes on Josh Hartnett way back in 1997 we were smitten and our admiration for this 6ft 2" hottie has grown along with his roles, from getting dirty in Black Hawk Down to the mysterious detective in The Black Dahlia.

As well as looking good in a vest, if reports are to be believed he's an all round nice chap as well. It also doesn't hurt that he is capable of acting his way out of a paper bag...if only just. But hey! if you look that good who cares if he can act anyway.

He may Hollywood’s most unruly eyebrows but that just adds to his charm.

Even better news is that scheming hussy Scarlett Johanssen has finally let poor Josh out of her clutches (more fool her!) which makes him young free and single again and perfect husband material for me!

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Behind The Scenes At The Tomkat Wedding Farce

More nasty details about the TomKat wedding farce are emerging from horrified honoured guests who attended the Scientology service. Apparently as Rank & Bile predicted there was a particularly ewww swapping of saliva at the end of the ceremony with TomKat snogging each other for a good 3 minutes before the embarrassed guests shouted at them to stop! This almost rivals David Gest’s equally stomach churning slobbering over Liza Minnelli at their fake celebrity ridden wedding. As well as having to witness TomKat swapping saliva many of the guest complained the $5m production cut corners on the food with many guests seen gobbling down dinner back at their hotel and J Lo sending out for 30 pizzas to feed her and her hungry friends after the event. (Hmm 30 pizzas that could explain the famous J Lo fat ass!)

It also appears the far from dispelling rumours about the groom, the wedding just served up a whole lotta comedy fodder for US talk shows, with Bill Maher comparing Katie Holmes to a "beard" and a "hostage" instead of a bride. Craig Ferguson stated that "none of Katie's former boyfriends are expected to attend the wedding and none of Tom's former boyfriends either!” and Conan O Brien waded in with "TomKat's wedding features 6000 scented candles and yet something doesn't smell right."

Last but not least, rumours abound about the surprise attendance of Brooke Shields at the wedding. Why would Brooke attend? When she famously fell out with Tom after he attacked her on network television, with a whole load of scientology mumbo jumbo, for using drugs to treat anti natal depression? Well, apparently she was paid by the Cruise Control team, to try and play down Tom’s lunacy and the resulting PR fiasco. Nice touch!

Well at least they weren’t lying when they said it was a Fairy-tale wedding.

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Nicole Richie Ditches Stylist And Discovers Food

Is Nicole Richie finally on the mend? The pint sized poppet has reportedly gained 10 pounds and she’s looking healthier and happier lately, she's even sporting a bit of cleavage!

And whilst she's not exactly plump she does look less likely to snap at any minute.

So what was the turning point for Nicole? Well it might have something to do with the fact that she finally ditched her crystal meth dealer stylist, Rachel Zoe.

Nicole is reported to have said she no longer trusts Rachel and wants to “rid herself of negative drugs people”

Rachel is reportedly furious….tough luck Rachel go find yourself another starlet to turn into a skeletal bobble headed zombie. With any luck the other Rachel clones Mischa, Lindsay et al will all follow suit and dump her as well!

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Car Crash of The Month - Lindsay Lohan

Lindsay Pantie-less Lohan is quite literally our car crash of the month as yet again she’s had a mishap at the wheel of her car this is about the 4th this year! Someone get this girl a driver! Her and George Michael have gotta be up for worst celebrity driver of the year and probably for the exact same reasons!

This time Ho Han hit a police car in London with her Range Rover whilst out partying With Calum Best.

Between her and George Michael the streets of London are rapidly becoming death traps!) It’s also less than a month since her last mishap in her Mercedes when she collided with another vehicle after partying at nightspot “Hyde”.

HoHan’s driving and her nasty tendency to go commando when there are paparazzi around, isn’t the only cause for alarm, whilst in London, she has been spotted sporting what look like scratches and scars on her wrists?

A quick trawl through her recent photos reveal an alarming number of bandages/camouflage around the wrist area as well as further scarring, prompting many to suspect she may be self harming. Hardly surprising when you are seeing Calum Best!

If I was dating that particularly loathsome lothario, I’d have suicidal tendencies too!



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Whitetrash Britney Back At Last!

Hurrah for the return of White Trash Britney! The Britney we know and love!

Gone is the dodgy dark Angelina wannabe hair and the Nicole Richie sunglasses and back is blonde weave Britney puffing on a Marlboro with her jugs half out.

Amazing what dumping a loser husband does for your whitetrash rating! Britney has even started hanging with super skank Paris Hilton!

The all new Brassy Britney far from being concerned about K Fed’s threat to release a dodgy husband and wife sex tape has, completely turned the tables on her loser ex by threatening to release it first and pocket the money!

Welcome back Britney we missed you!

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Gay Paris

I haven’t posted anything for a few days, thanks to my best friend Mike, who treated me to a weekend in Paris! A group of six of us descended on the French capital in high spirits but after a somewhat overly alcoholic Friday night were somewhat worse for wear on sat. Not learning from our mistakes the Saturday evening we repeated the same mistake on a slightly larger scale as a result much of our time in Paris was spent looking like the wreck of the Hesperus and feeling just as bad! That aside, with the exception of sat night, we had great weather and I got to take some shots with my new camera…that was as soon as I figured out how to get the lens cap off! (see a couple of my efforts in this post!)

Highlights of the holiday included seeing the inside of Notre Dame, which I’d forgotten was so spectacular, a hysterical “Allo Allo” style café near our hotel, where the staff were straight out of BBC casting, particularly the waitress who looked like a bad drag act on a night out, the patrons were no better either, including one mad old woman who tried to take our photo by looking through the wrong part of the camera then nearly toppled a waiters cart as she moved back to get us all in. Other highlights were seeing a man at Gare du Nord completely oblivious to the fact he was dragging along behind him a postcard stand as well as his suitcase on wheels and the spectacular Christmas lights at Les Galeries Lafayette on Boulevard Haussman.

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My New Toy

I just treated myself to a new camera the Olympus E500 complete with an extra zoom lens and I’m loving it. Now if I can just figure out how to use it I should be able to take some great Pictures!

It might help if Olympus actually provided you with a manual rather than a PC disc! It’s a little hard to find a spare PC when you’re out and about! I thought I might be able to print it but alas at 260 pages it’s like carrying war and peace around in A4 format! Watch out for my photographic efforts here on Rank & Bile in the months to come.

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